Monday

A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked into a saloon.

A big Texan standing at the bar said to his friend, "Watch me make this dude dance."

He walked over to the prospector and said, "You're a foreigner, aren't you? From the East?"

"You might say that," said the prospector, "I'm from Boston and I'm here prospecting for gold."

"Now tell me something," said the Texan, "can you dance?"

"No"

"Well I'm going to teach you," said the Texan. And with that the Texan took out his gun and started shooting at the prospector's feet.

Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector made it to the door shaking like a leaf.

About an hour later the Texan left the saloon. As soon as he stepped outside the door he heard a click. He looked around and there, four feet from his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen.

The little prospector said, "Mr. Texan, have you ever kissed a horse's ass?"

"No," said the quick thinking Texan, "but I've always wanted to."

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested, she'll send you a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).

Boston Orioles were named for the Maryland state bird in the early 1900s.

Some of my friends started a company built around an innovative idea for an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture. "We have to call it Imagination," one passionate participant cried out.

Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied, "Are you sure you want your business card to read 'Imagination, Limited'?"

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest celebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to sing louder and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing that the Sheriff's men might hear the band celebrate, dragged the friar into the woods and threw him in the river...but Tuck climbed out and continued singing without missing a note.

The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water, but you cannot make him hoarse.

You might be a redneck if…

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

When my children received the video of Cinderella as a summer gift, they watched it almost nonstop for three days. Since it was warm outside, we kept the windows open.
Our neighbors were having their roof re-shingled by three burly men. As I went out to get the mail one afternoon, I heard a roofer singing, "...put it together and what do you get?"
"From the other side of the house came a chorus of two more husky voices:
"Bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi boo!"

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."

St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."