Saturday

The husband had just finished the book "Man of the House". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a tasty dessert afterward. Then, after dinner and dessert, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director."

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

The boy stared wide eyed and said, "Yes."

The father continued, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal. It's called golf."

A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

A young couple, a Long Island princess and her childhood sweetheart who had just finished his residency got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

You might be a redneck if…

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Animals Thoughts

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The wimpy knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

Dog: "Human legs that just tease."

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with us!

Random Cartoon Title: Coffee Cup Art 11