Saturday

On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.

f you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.

If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.

If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.
My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?"
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"

The Universe Stops Expanding This Week--keeW sihT gnidnapxE spotS esrevinU ehT

A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.

The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: "Quick...get me a translator."

Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?"

The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University."

The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."

Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?"

Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?"

The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finally someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered... running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?"

You might be a redneck if…

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

1. After dark, all cats are jaguars...
2. Never ever try to baptize a cat.
3. Cats are smarter than dogs. You cannot get a cat to pull a sled.
4. A cat knows your every thought. It doesn't care. But it knows.
5. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I will put shoes on my cat ...
6. Most people with cats, know they are being controlled. That's the horror of it ...
7. Never try to out stubborn a cat.
8. Thousands of years ago ,humans worshiped the cat. They have not forgotten this. . .
9. Whenever I bathe my cat, it takes an hour to get the fur off of my tongue.
10. I prefer to live with Feline Sapiens, thank you very much.
11. Picture of a fat tabby on a couch, looking at his owner, "My species domesticated your species... "

As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel who tells him that before he dies god has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his whole life. The Pope argues for a while but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are met:

"First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration I will perform on her body!"

"Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!"

"Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable acts I will be performing on her body."

The angel writes these down and begins to float away to reports back to God. Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward and says, "One last thing."

"What is it?" asks the Angel.

The Pope whispers, "Big tits."