Saturday

Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Harris finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."

"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Harris, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

"I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants... You might have gotten disability too."

Be brave. Even if you are not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

A mother pigeon and a baby pigeon were going to fly south for the winter. Trying all types of logic, the mother pigeon is having a difficult time convincing her new baby that he too can fly. The baby pigeon cried, "I can't make it ... I get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine." The baby started to cry. "What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

Manspeak Translated
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

You might be a redneck if…

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

Almost anywhere you look, possibly on your block, people are violating the rules of English grammar. They're doing it not only when they speak and write, but also, brazenly, on painted signs in front of their homes.

I'm referring to those common signs telling you which family lives in a particular house, such as "The Brown's" or "The Smith's." The correct way to do it would be "The Browns" or "The Smiths." Adding the apostrophe makes it possessive and emphasizes that they own the house.

But hey, they live there, don't they? Who else would own it? The boogeyman? The bank? (Whoops, I repeat myself.)

Source: THE DICTIONARY OF MISINFORMATION