Sunday

Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed. So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says "I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful."

James said "Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day."

Ron was so jealous "Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?"

"Nope" James replied, "I couldn't find her head!"

Many people assume that Earl Gray tea got its name by being the favorite of that English earl. However, it seems that there is a small town in Wales named Earl Gray where the town's citizens are getting concerned about the ability of their mayor to continue in office. The incumbent was initially elected in 1972 and she has run unopposed in every election since. Unfortunately, her age now hinders her from getting about.

What the citizens are saying is that --

...the Earl Gray mayor, she ain't what she used to be!

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

Father: (at the hospital looking through the glass at the newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"

Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."

Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

Abraham was reading an article out loud to his wife. "Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?"

Sadie replies, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice."

Abraham turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"

You might be a redneck if…

You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

Sam: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"

Jane: "A little. What's wrong?"

Sam: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

Jane: "How did you load the sheet, face up or face down?"

Sam: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

Life As A Turkey

When I was a young turkey,
new to the coop,
My big brother Mike
took me out on the stoop.

Then he sat me down,
and he spoke real slow,
And told me there was something
that I had to know.

His look and his tone
I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors
of... Black November.

"Come about August,
now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals
instead of just three;

"And soon you'll be thick,
where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing
under your chin;

"And then one morning,
when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife,
and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers
so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides
and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

"And then comes the worst part"
he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks wide
and pack you with stuffing."

Well, the rest of his words
were too grim to repeat;
I sat on the stoop
like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot
that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low
and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet
of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads,
juice and diet cola.

And as they ate pastries,
chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room
doing Jane Fonda tapes.

I maintained my weight
of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice
when the bigger birds laughed.

But 'twas I who was laughing,
under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed,
ever closer to death.

And sure enough
when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey
left in the entire compound.

So now I'm a pet
in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry,
so I eat and I nap.

She held me today,
while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said:
"Christmas is coming..."