Monday

Three surgeons were one day talking about their .-. best work ever.

The first one:

"Once, one of my cousins horribly injured his leg in a car accident. It was completely crushed, yet I managed to rebuild it, and since there was nothing I could do about the bones, I took a chance and used plastic sticks. And what do you know, today he's walking just fine!"

The other two express their amazement.

The second one said:

"Last year my own mother lost her eyesight completely in an accident. There was really no way to make her see again, her eyeballs were completely ruined, so I took a chance and replaced her eyes with glass eyes. I hooked them up with her nerves, and, what do you know, today she sees perfectly!"

The other two are even more amazed.

The third one goes:

"A few months ago my uncle, who's a lumberjack, accidentally chopped off his right hand. I operated immediately and, having no other choice, replaced his hand with a rubber glove filled with sawdust. I connected it to the arm and after a few weeks, what do you know, he's using it just fine!"

"Wait a darn minute," blurts the second one, "now this story is a bit TOO MUCH! Who's ever seen something like THAT happen?"

"Your mother with her glass eyes..."

At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

Husband: "Guess who?"

Wife: "I know who it is!"

Husband: "Guess what I want?"

Wife: "I know what you want!"

Husband: "Guess what I'm knocking with?"

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.
Little Johnny, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked Johnny

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," Johnny advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

You might be a redneck if…

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry

I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.
"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me."
"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"

According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.

Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaverthat's why they asked the question.

James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did. What was it?
MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.

Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.

Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.

According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.

When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.