Sunday

Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD

Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read YEILD.

About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a Halloween costume party, and I want to go as Adam."

The girl brings out a fig leaf. But he says, "Not big enough!"

So she brings out a bigger one. "Still not big enough!"

So he brings out a HUGE fig leaf. "Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.

So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

California smog test: Can UCLA?

This guy is having an affair with a married woman and her husband comes home early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to go into the bathroom to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.

He asks, ''What the hell are you doing?''

Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''

The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''

Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''

The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!''

The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.

The husband asks,''What in the hell are you doing?''

He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.''

The husband looks him over and says, "But you're naked.''

The man looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, 'Them little bastards.''

How To Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

You might be a redneck if…

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Wearing a feathered hat and carrying a shiny handbag, a woman was ready to leave for a wedding when she had to change her baby's diaper. To her surprise, this was accomplished without the usual wriggling and crying. The child seemed hypnotized by her new hat and bag.

One night the baby became restless because his diaper needed changing. Anxious not to wake her husband, she remembered the effect of the new hat and bag. She donned the hat and put the bag on her arm but to no avail. The baby continued to yell in his usual hearty fashion.

Her husband sat up in bed, saw her dressed in shortie pajamas, hat and bag and said, "Good grief, woman, no wonder the child is screaming."

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"