Saturday

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

The mother says, "When the baby cries."

They ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."

HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window.
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.
4. Arrives at destination promptly.

HIS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window.
5. Hocks a loogie.
6. Pulls up to a 7-11.
7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts.
11. After he closes the door.
12. laughs at looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. Almost hits a deer.
15. Curses the night.
16. Curses you.
17. Curses the large slurpee.
18. Stops by the side of the road.
19. Takes a leak.
20. Still taking a leak.
21. Almost done.
22. I think.
23. Returns to car.
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
26. Admits he didn't want to do Thanksgiving at your sister's.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. Finally found a dictionary.
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. Seethes at the memory of it all.
34. But she is laughing inside...
35. And of course you're still lost.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice
- once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the eggs home.

You might be a redneck if…

Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said, "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."

"How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.

The boy had answers to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're likely to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that too", the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it."

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting. When in the woods he came upon a bear. He started running, and he ran for a while until all of a sudden he tripped over a tree root. At this moment he was almost face to face with the bear.

He dropped to his knees and said, ''Dear Lord, if there is one wish I would want for you to give me it would be to make this bear a Christian.''

And at that instant the bear halted to a stop and dropped to his knees and said, ''Dear Lord, thank you for the food I am about to receive!''