Sunday

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

Two young men came upon a great trout brook. They stayed all day enjoying the fishing. At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed they would return in 20 years.

Twenty years later, they walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, 'This is the place!' The other disagreed, but the first man said,' Yes, I recognize the clover growing on the other side.'

To which the other replied,

'Silly, you can't tell a brook by its clover.'

Some people can't tell a lie, others can't tell the truth, and others can't tell the difference.

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like he was unimportant. He said that he felt as insignificant as a tiny pebble.

"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

Mommy bear and Daddy bear were in divorce court.

The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"

"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me."

"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.

"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."

"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"

Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

You might be a redneck if…

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt-

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
Soaway with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookienot even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore-
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted,

every hill and mountain shall be made low,

the rough places will be made plain,

and the crooked places will be made straight,

and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed,

and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope.

This is the faith with which I return to the South.

With this faith we will be able to hew out

of the mountain of despair a stone of hope.

With this faith we will be able to transform

the jangling discords of our nation

into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood.

With this faith we will be able to work together,

to pray together, to struggle together,

to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together,

knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children

will be able to sing with a new meaning,

"My country, 'tis of thee,

sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died,

land of the pilgrim's pride,

from every mountainside,

let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation

this must become true.

So let freedom ring from the prodigious

hilltops of New Hampshire.

Let freedom ring from the mighty

mountains of New York.

Let freedom ring from the heightening

Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped

Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous

peaks of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring

from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from

Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill

and every molehill of Mississippi.

From every mountainside,

let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring,

when we let it ring from every village

and every hamlet, from every state and every city,

we will be able to speed up that day

when all of God's children,

black men and white men,

Jews and Gentiles,

Protestants and Catholics,

will be able to join hands and sing

in the words of the old Negro spiritual,

"Free at last! free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

(Excerpts from the speech, "I Have A Dream", by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.)