Monday

Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist.

They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said, "Fetch the Bible."

The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog.

That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. Finally, one man asked, "Can he do normal dog tricks too?"

"Let's see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed "Good grief, we've bought a Pentecostal dog!"

Money isn't everything....
there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

In the July 6, 1999, issue of Time International we are informed that the World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that 100 million acts of human sexual intercourse occur each day but that only 910,000 of them result in conception. The rest are simply wasted. Thus more than 99 million acts of intercourse are squandered and have no practical results except momentary pleasure for the participants.

If one takes into account the volume of the lost sperm, assuming at least 5ml per act of intercourse, we may calculate that about: 5 x 10E-3 x 99 x 10E6 or 500 cubic meters of fertile fluid are wasted per day. This brings the number to 15,000 cubic meters per month!

Assuming that the need for irrigation of an acre or agricultural land in arid areas is about 40 cubic meters per acre per month, we find that the available volume of sperm would be sufficient to irrigate, as wall as fertilize, about 350 acres of land.

In addition, the squandered acts of intercourse require energy that may be calculated to be equivalent to about 300 kcal per act of intercourse. Thus the redundant energy--if properly harnessed-- would be sufficient to operate a power station and to supply 1500 mW/day, enough for a city the size of New York.

These energy calculations can be made more accessible to the lay person. Let us say that the starter motor in your car has a power requirement of 500W. Thus the energy wasted on nonproductive acts of intercourse would be sufficient to start three million cars. If you cannot start your car on a cold morning in winter, think of your neighbors having wasted all that energy the night before, enjoying themselves with their partners.

Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a little too far. He begins to get up to race to her rescue when the other lifeguard grabs his arm and holds him back.

The first lifeguard says,"Why are you holding me back? We have to go save that woman!" To which the other replies, "Don't worry. That woman is my mother-in-law."

"Are you trying to kill her?"

"Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent. Just watch."

With that, the sharks organize themselves beneath the woman, and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her.

"What in the world gave you the notion that would happen," asked the first lifeguard.

"Professional courtesy."

You might be a redneck if…

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

Check out:
Jerry Seinfeld and Superman
On the weekend of the biggest motorcycle gathering of the year, I was bar tending at a club nearby. When the roaring machines pulled up outside, our patrons' eyes swung toward the door and conversation turned into uneasy whispering.
A group of tough looking bikers walked up to the bar, and one of them asked me where the phone was. I pointed it out, and the silence in the room let everybody overhear what the biker said into the receiver. "Hi, Mom, I just want to let you know I'll be home late tonight."

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."