Tuesday

A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing. The pastor was highly gratified and told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."

Are you a redneck?

You might be a redneck if your grandma goes to the bathroom and comes out yelling “Come look before I flush it!”

You might be a redneck if you and your wife have the same haircut.

You might be a redneck if you regularly check the mileage on your home.

You might be a redneck if it takes two Twinkies, a beer and your sister to get to second base.

You might be a redneck if your wife yells, ''Come on, move this transmission so I can take a bath!''

You might be a redneck if your parents bought you Pepto-Bismol for Christmas.

You might be a redneck if your congregation uses shot glasses for communion.

You know you're a redneck when your flyswatter doubles as your spatula!

You might be a redneck if you let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kid.

If your wife asks you to get some groceries, and you put on camouflage and grab a shotgun, you might be a redneck.

What do you call a redneck in a fancy suit? ''Mr. President.''

Angry Redneck

A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!" The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redneck.

The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers disregard the airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when the plane taxies to the gate. One attendant captured my heart by announcing:

"The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car. So if I were you, I'd remain seated."

An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. Often she worked late, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.

One day a student came to her after class with an essay that had been returned. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."

The teacher took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It says that you should write more legibly!"

You might be a redneck if…

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."
To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has over 55 years of walking experience."

A male patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. He is still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A female nurse's aide appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Are my testicles black?"

Reluctantly, the aide pulls back the covers and raises his gown. She holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand, takes a close look at his genitals and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was nice, but listen closely: Are...my...test...results...back?"

Random Cartoon Title: Broken Brakes