Saturday

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

You know you're in deep trouble when...

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your late car payment.

The little league puts you on waivers.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DEA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

They pay your wages out of petty cash.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.

You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out. '

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen...

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1 was to be shot 2 was to be hung 3 was to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly).

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom."

My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.

"I went to the bookstore," he explained. "And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and I decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was cleaning, I found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple of years ago!"

You might be a redneck if…

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

I know my company has made an effort to be family friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday announcement posted on the bulletin board:

"All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."