Monday

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines!

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!"

Do-It-Yourself Home Security

Post of the following signs at each potential point-of-entry.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"? Thanks Mr. Roy

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

September 12 is... National Chocolate Milkshake Day

Female hormones found in beer

Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (as hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it may turn men into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each to drink within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologize when obviously wrong, and had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary.

It was a cold winters day and I hustled about the house doing my daily chores. My youngest child was playing and content with herself when suddenly there was a knock at the door. I swiftly made my way to the door taking a peek through the window that frost had rest upon. There stood an old lady whom I had never seen before. I felt assured that there was no threat or harm in her presence so I slowly opened the door catching my breath from the cold winter's air that hit my face. "May I help you?"

She was worn from many years that had past before her. Her frail voice began to speak. She said "I am so fearful of the dog that resides down the street."

I then asked her to come in and warm herself while I dressed myself and my daughter. As I came back through the hall she was merely gazing around the room when I approached her she said in such a meek voice "you have such a lovely home".

I grabbed my walking stick and escorted her to the door as we began to leave the house she apologized for having to take my time I looked in her eyes and said "nonsense".

We began to walk down the street and amazingly the dog was gone by then but the message was clear to me.

You see I am at odds from time to time with the need of a bigger home and material things but this woman that I had never seen in my life appeared at my doorstep and told me I had a lovely home and that touched my heart in a way that she will never know. I am a firm believer in angels of all sorts and messages God plants along the path of our lives. This lady was an angel to me because I was in a rough spot and just a strangers words helped awaken my spirit to realize all is good. I would like to give her a special thanks I do not know her name and I doubt I will ever see her again at least not on earth.

You see God knows exactly who she is and I know he will give her this message. I am grateful my spirit was open for the message received on that day.

~Crytsal Appleton~

You might be a redneck if…

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?
"The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"
The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down"
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver.
Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse out side?
"The Lone Ranger stands and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,..!
"Nothing, but you left your Injun running.”

The Rules of Chocolate.....

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable intake.