Give not over thy soul to sorrow; and afflict not thyself in thy own counsel. Gladness of heart is the life of man and the joyfulness of man is length of days. -- Ecclesiastes
Two old folks got married. As they were laying in their wedding suite, staring at the ceiling, the old man says, "I haven't been completely honest with you. I think the world of you, but you are only number two to me. Golf is my first love. It's my hobby, my passion, my first love."
They both stare at the ceiling for a bit then the woman said, "While we're baring our souls, I guess I better tell you that I've been a hooker all my life."
The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment then says, "Have you tried widening your stance and adjusting your grip?
Joke
ANSWERS TO PRESIDENTIAL QUIZ (1. F) - (2. A) - (3. E) - (4. D) - (5. A) - (6. C) - (7. H, E) (8. G, F) - (9. B) - (10. F) - (11. E) - (12. E)
One-liner
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Joke
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
Joke
A stewardess approached a gentleman who was voicing his complains rather loudly.
"Yes, Sir?"
"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds so I can't sleep."
"Captain, shut up and land the plane."
Red Neck
You might be a redneck if…
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Joke
Five tips for a woman.... 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Joke
While I was browsing in the dress section of a department store, another shopper struck up a conversation with me.
"My daughter is getting married soon," she told me, eyes glowing. "She's engaged to a doctor."
After the woman left for the dressing room, the bride-to-be approached and apologized for her mother's interruption.
"Oh, it was no bother," I replied. "She told me how happy she was that your fiancee is a doctor."
"Yes," she said with a sigh. "But mother always neglects to tell people I'm a doctor also."
Picture
Random Cartoon Title: First pessimist
Trivia answer....
What is "Scapulamancy"?
"Scapulamancy" was a method of fortune telling involving the study of cracked shoulder bones.
