Wednesday

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and maybe a few times during the year.

One Sunday, Ole was sitting in the pew right behind Lena and got to noticing what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," Lena replied.

Ole was tickled as all get out. All week long he polished his old Ford truck. On Friday he picked up Lena and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.

When they sat down, Ole looked at Lena and asked, "Lena, vould you a cocktail before supper?"

"Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Ole was a little taken back, but he didn't say much about it. After dinner, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering Lena one.

"Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole was feeling kind of low, having had two offers rebuffed. On the way home, was they passed the Hot Springs Motel, he figured, heck, he'd struck out twice, so he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena, vould you like to stop at the motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," she replied.

Ole couldn't believe his luck. He whipped his Ford into the parking lot, jumped out of the truck, ran into the hotel office, checked in, ran back out, and took Lena right to the hotel room.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying on the bed, her hair spread out all over the pillow. "Vat have I done, vat have I done?" Ole thought. He shook Lena awake. "Lena, I've got to ask you von thing."

"Vot's dat?" she said, sleepily.

"Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time."

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said:

"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but you can't start a camp fire with a whole BOOK of matches?

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Sally went straight round to visit her Grandmother.

When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Sally suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her grandma replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells -- in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear.

"If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

A guy gets married and for the first year he never leaves his wife alone. Every day, morning noon and night, he is at it.

His wife is a little pissed off about this so she goes to her mother and says "Mom, he won't leave me alone, every day, 4-5 times a day, he's like a rabbit."

Her mother tells her to go to the fish mongers and get a fish and put it up her pussy. That night the husband comes home and drags her upstairs, rips of her clothes and proceeds to make love to her. On entry he screams and pulls out. He is bleeding and covered in scratches, so for the next year he does not even look at his wife.

She, beginning to feel a little randy after this long lay off, again approaches her mother and asks for advice. Her mother tells her to wait until he is in bed and then show him what he is missing.

That night he is lying in bed and she strips and climbs onto the bed. She then steps over him, but just as her ass is passing his face, she farts.

The guy looks up and says "Bark you bastard, but you won't bite me again."

You might be a redneck if…

You list your parole officer as a reference.

LOVE STORY

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU...

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN.

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY... BEG FOR ME TO STOP.

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU.

AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.

ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU

AMMAN - An online romance between a Jordanian man and woman came to a screeching halt when the pair discovered they were husband and wife. Separated for several months, the couple both began seeking an Internet chat room to find new loves.

They had no idea that they would find each other. Bakr Melham, who went by the name Adnan, fell in love with a woman who called herself Jamila. He was in for a big surprise to realize that Jamila was actually his wife Sanaa. The pair talked for three months in cyberspace before making wedding plans.

They decided to finally meet in person near a bus depot, but discovering their true identities was too much for the pair. Bakr shouted at Sanaa, "You are divorced, divorced, divorced" - the traditional manner of officially ending a marriage in Islam.

Sanaa called him a liar and then fainted.