Saturday

On my co-worker Elizabeth's 55th birthday, a customer caught her off guard by asking her age. "I'm turning the speed limit," she said.

"You must be in a residential zone," he replied with a smile. "Anywhere from 25 to 35."

There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever.

Finally the customer behind me muttered, "Mr. Hare must be on vacation."

Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: "Mr. Turtle, sales associate."

Remember the person who steals an egg will steal a chicken.

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork.

"About two hours," says the conductor.

"OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?"

The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why would you think there'd be a difference?"

"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!"

You might be a redneck if…

Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads though the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the window realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to looks as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Tony, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six- year-old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she'd direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."