Wednesday

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"

One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"

The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of me wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."

"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."

"No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled her."

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

A friend and I were standing inside a building of a local theme park. We were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day.

The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4'10", 90 lbs.) and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.

My friend joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

The lady looked at my friend and lisped, "You mean, ... now I weigh me down to sweep?"

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day.

He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"

There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."

You might be a redneck if…

You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

Women's # 1 choice for reincarnation:

In my next life, I think I will be a bear. . . . . .

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup..... Gonna be a bear.

(Comments about me already being a bear are not allowed!)

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn, right?"

"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine."