In loving memory of Tom Hogg, 1943–2023

MoFunny for

Thursday

October 28, 2027

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Trivia question....

Why should pine, spruce, or other evergreen wood never be used for barbequing?

+----- Answer At The End -----+


Consider these words of wisdom....

Say not, when I have leisure I will study; you may not have leisure. -- The Mishnah

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A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day. -- Andre Maurois

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There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm. -- Willa Cather, The Song of the Lark, 1915

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I bet ya' didn't know....

Nicholas Zographos (1886-1953), a professional gambler, left an estate of $14,000,000, every dollar of it won playing baccarat.

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A portable rotary drill unit set up for demonstration purposes struck oil at the International Petroleum Exposition in Tulsa, OK.

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Things that make you go Hmmm....

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. (Is that due to the septic tank?)

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Jokes & stories....

Joke

My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one of
the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you,
how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it,
she moved in with me.

You totaled your car
and can't remember why.
Could it have been,
that whole case of Bud Dry?

Joke

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."

The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

One-liner

If Y2K is going to be such a big problem, why don't we just skip that year? Women do it all the time.

Joke

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Ever'thing was a perfect except for da train a ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a 'forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket.

"The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'

"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.'

"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'

"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!'

"Next'a time, Ima driva down!!"

Joke

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.

On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."

Red Neck

You might be a redneck if…

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Joke

A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.

The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.

Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.

There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.

Now obviously, the security of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So he has to be constantly ready and on the alert to be able to do his job.

And that, friends, is why people say,

"I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."

Joke

Just before our first long deployment, two Navy buddies and I were talking about the stress of leaving our families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard our conversation and offered the following advice:
"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"


Trivia answer....

Pine, spruce, or other evergreen wood should never be used for barbequing. These woods, when burning or smoking, can add harmful tar and resins to the food. Only hardwoods should be used for smoking and grilling, such as oak, pecan, hickory, maple, cherry, alder, apple, or mesquite, depending on the type of meat being cooked.

Barbequing is not easy... First of all, let's establish our terminology. Technically speaking, barbequing refers to a slow and smoky cooking over indirect heat. Cooking directly over the coals (or gas, as it were), is grilling. Granted, this is a distinction that is well defended in the U.S.A, where barbeque usually involves things like pulled pork and the like, but in Canada they tend to refer to anything involving the outdoor grill as barbequing.

Recently, after an exhaustive search, we finally bought a barbeque/grill. It's a fancy-looking stainless steel rig with a lot of dials, four independent burners, and at first glance it could be mistaken for one of those very fancy tools that can run upwards of a thousand dollars. No, we paid significantly less than that (but more than for a $149 cheapo at Canuck Tire).

The first weekend with the Q yielded results that were delicious but tended towards being overcooked. So I did more research.

This weekend, Martine and I decided to try barbecuing some poultry. We thawed a couple of Rock Cornish hens -- which is to say, small chickens -- that have been sitting in the freezer for a few months waiting for spring. Research indicated that one hour and 15 minutes at 375°F would do the job. So after brining them in rock salt and brown sugar for a few hours I made up a batch of blork's special basting sauce (olive oil, butter, paprika, and pepper) and set them on the grill -- using indirect heat -- when the barbeque's thermostat registered 400° (close enough).

As they cooked (basting every 10 minutes or so) I prepared a nice tomato salad. Fresh market tomatoes, sliced red onion, curls of Italian parmesano reggiano a liberal dose of fresh herbs from the garden (two kinds of basil, Italian oregano, and ciboulette), a few good slugs of the insanely expensive olive oil that we only bring out when no one's around, a shake and scratch of fleur de sel and black pepper, and a few drops of balsamic vinegar. At least I didn't have to worry about it being over-cooked.

About 45 minutes before the projected time of completion I put a couple of foil pouches of potatoes, onions, butter, oil, and herbs in there with the chicken. That too is the kind of thing that's hard to over-do, because onions simply get better with over-cooking, and too-soft potatoes are forgivable under those circumstances.

After the prescribed time the chickens -- I mean Cornish hens -- didn't seem quite done, so I gave them an extra ten minutes. Finally, I pulled everything off the grill, presented it nicely, and then Martine cut into her bird. She saw some very pink flesh and cloudy juices. It was like that scene in Wallace Stegner's Crossing to Safety where the know-it-all spouse nearly ruins the cookout by insisting that the chicken is done -- and it isn't. Grumbling, I fired the Q up to 500 and put them back in for another 20 minutes while we ate the vegetables (which included some peppers I had grilled).

Finally, eating Italian style (course after course instead of all dishes at once) we tucked into some properly cooked birds. The lesson, of course, is that oven rules to not apply to outdoor barbeques. Not two nights earlier I had seen a guy on License to Grill cook beer-can chickens at 500°F, but that just seemed too extreme.

No, barbeques are not ovens. They loose their heat much faster and easier, so higher temperatures are normal.

Lesson learned and bellies full, we were satisfied. After all those potatoes, however, we couldn't finish the birds. Hence the excellent chicken salad sandwiches we're having for lunch today...