Monday

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming,... and the smell of burning rubber!"

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture.

The Amish man said, "No, no you can not."

"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the gruff worker.

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show him your paper!"

Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."

A man named Bob, living in NYC, was a photographer. He wasn't very good, but he did manage to make a living in Central Park taking pictures of children on his pet Llama. The problem was that he made enough to survive, but not much else. He could not afford to properly board his Llama. So he simply kept the Llama in his small apartment. The smell eventually caused his neighbors to complain.

Animal control came and determined he could not keep the Llama in his apartment. He was issued a summons and given 48 hours to turn the Llama in down at the shelter. He did not know what to do, the Llama was his means of support. A friend of Bob's came up with a plan. He said, "The people down at the shelter are not going to know what a Llama is, so just go and get another animal and turn that in." Bob decided that was a good idea. The next day Bob went out to a Long Island farm and bought a goat, brought it down to the shelter, and turned the goat in with the summons for the Llama.

All seemed well for about a week, but one day his doorbell rang and it was 2 fire marshals. They showed Bob his summons and a photo of the goat and said he was under arrest for the fraudulent compliance with the summons. As they led him away in handcuffs, Bob said he understood what he did was wrong, but wanted to know why they sent fire marshals? They said what he did was under their jurisdiction.

Bob said, "How is that?"

They replied, "..because you turned in a false Llama".

You might be a redneck if…

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."