Tuesday

After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas. A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."

Father O'Leary and Rabbi Goldberg played chess each Wednesday in the park. The chess game usually included religious discussion and debate. This week the discussion turned to religious sins.

Rabbi Goldberg said, "In my religion it is forbidden to eat ham but I tried it once, just once, before I became a Rabbi."

Not to be outdone, Father O'Leary admitted, "During seminary this beautiful young girl tempted me and I yielded to the lust of the flesh and had sex."

Across the chess board, the old Rabbi grinned, and with a chuckle said, "Better than ham, ain't it?"

Every person that you meet knows something you don't; learn from them!

CAT'S COMPUTER DICTIONARY:
BROWSER: What I like to be at 3:00 am when I rearrange all your books on your desk. Where's a kitty supposed to lay down with all that mess?
WALLPAPER: My favorite stuff, mostly in the kitchen and bathroom, I use to exercise my claws on.
DEFRAG: Coughing up hairballs. Hey, it's just a little maintenance!
HYPERLINK: Fake hot dog filled with my favorite pick-me-up: cat-nip.
SERVER: My human subject. You can't call them waitress, or waiter, or slave anymore; it's not politically correct.
SHUT DOWN: Nap time - my favorite 16 hours of the day.
LAPTOP: Little ol' me. Certainly cuter, more useful, valuable, and entertaining. and no batteries are required.
DEFAULT: Blame. If something gets broken around the house, don't look at me! It's probably that human I have to share my house with, or the dog's fault!
WINDOW: The best place to watch birds, squirrels, and that weird dog next door eat out of the trash can and chase cars.
HOME PAGE: My papers - newspapers, that is, that I used before graduating to the real kitty litter box. I think they were the "Wanted: DOG" ads.

Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night.

"My grandfather lived to be 96."

"Ninety-six? What finally got him?

"Liquor and women."

"Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both will get you in the end."

"Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."

You might be a redneck if…

On stag night, you take a real deer.

What Men Know

Men know... that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know... that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know... that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know... that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.

Men know... never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know... how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know... exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know... that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know... that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know... that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.

Men know... that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know... that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

This chick walks into a doctors surgery and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute so she does. The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her thighs. He asks "do you know what I'm doing now" and she replies "your checking for menopause" and he says "very good".

Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her "do you know what I'm doing now" and she says "checking for breast cancer" and he says "very good".

Then He jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what he's doing know and she replies "contracting genital herpes cause that's why I came to see you"