Wednesday

A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side.

Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him.

Moral: Don't try to read between the lions.

Me Mudder!

When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me arse was wed

Me Mudder

Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee if I could not

Me Mudder

And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum

Me Mudder

Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart

Me Mudder

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me shit

Me Mudder

When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peek
Who yelled at me to go to sleep

Me Farver!

"Most people are so lazy, that they don't even exercise good judgement!"

Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumpedinto the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a USCongressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

Bizarre Foreign Mistranslations into English

In a Belgrade elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.

On a menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire: If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

Ad for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride your own ass?

In a Czech tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

A temple in Bangkok: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son out of bed in the morning. "I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He sleeps with his dog."

After having waited for an audience for quite a while, a Jew is finally allowed to see the Pope.

"Is it not true that you are the Messenger of God on Earth?" asks the Jew.

"Yes it is, my son. How can I help you?" says the Pope.

"Well you know, I own a little restaurant back in Jerusalem. I have inherited it from my father, who had it from his father, and so ON and so on. So the other day I was going through my balance, when I noticed something was not right."

"Yes, my son? What was it?" asks the Pope.

"Well, I have an unpaid bill for thirteen persons dated year 1, A.D. . ."

Random Cartoon Title: Men Evolve