Tuesday

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.

Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Saxton-the-Fence-Builder? No..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me Saxton-the-Bar-builder? No..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Saxton-the-Pier-Builder? No..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya get caught with one goat..."

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96.00. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get 24.00," said the clerk.

"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96.00 and then sells it back for $24.00 should fail the course."

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.

"Afraid not," said the farmer.

"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.

"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.

"I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"

"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."

The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. "You sold me a blind horse!"

"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."

You might be a redneck if…

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!

A fine funeral was ordered for a woman who had henpecked her husband, driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of the cat and dog with her explosive temper.

As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.

"Well," commented one of the mourners, "sounds like she got where she was going."