Wednesday

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a greasy-spoon when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.

Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got shit-faced."

The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.

Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mother next year."

Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never, EVER marry my mother!"

The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you bastards please pass the salt?"

You might be a redneck if…

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day. "Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," asked the reporter.

"Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer. "And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women."

Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit.

"What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter.

Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!"

The preacher rose with a red face.

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

Random Cartoon Title: Broken Brakes