Thursday

A married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was sure he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs.

The Indian then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!"

Oklahoma Governor Brad Henry's first encounter with the "bat phone" didn't go as planned, reports The Shawnee Star. The phone, which is used strictly for emergencies and connects the state and the Department of Homeland Security, rang unexpectedly one night.

"Suddenly I hear a shrill, loud noise. It scared me half to death," Henry says. "And then I realize the 'bat phone' is ringing! Now I'm in a panic because it must be a matter of national security."

Henry lifted the receiver of the ominous phone. Was it the President on the other end?

"It was a telemarketer," said Henry.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George should invest only small sums. But George threw caution to the winds and six months later sent an email to Jim,

"So much for your darn "pointers! Now send me some "retrievers!"

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude. . . ?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

You might be a redneck if…

You clean your nails with a stick.

Now that we have a new Pope, it should be revealed that a particularly qualified and distinguished man was not sel- ected, though insiders at the Vatican say he was a close second. Here's his story...

Bishop Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in the Hague. As a young man, he aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the army during WWII. He spent two years flying aboard B17s as a co-pilot until, in 1943, his air- craftwas shot down and he lost his left arm.

While a POW, Hans spent the remainder of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual advice and last rights to dying soldiers, allied and enemy. He was renowned for his ecumenical tenderness and compassion.

After the war, Grapje became a priest and served as a missionary throughout Africa. In spite of his handicap, he was noted for piloting his own bush plane into the deepest, most primitive villages to spread the church's message and charity to the impoverished.

In 1997, then Archbishop Grapje was serving at an outpost in Zimbabwe when an explosion in one of the country's vast silver mines caused a catastrophic cave-in. The archbishop, in spite of his age and infirmity, went down into several of the shafts to administer last rights to those who would never escape.

He was in one of these shafts when it partially caved in, trapping him and several rescuers. Although he was rescued three days later, he suffered several painful injuries, including one that cost him his right eye. Additionally, the silver content in the shaft's air supply had poisoned him, causing his skin to take an indigo hue - a condition known as purpura - that persists to this day.

Although the Cardinal has devoted, and indeed risked, his life in the service of God for nearly 70 years, as a scholar, a mentor, and the epitome of a holy man, church politics preclude his ascension to the Papacy.

Church leaders have made it clear they don't want a one-eyed, one armed, flying, purple, Papal leader.

Women's Words On War

"Today the real test of power is not capacity to make war but the capacity to prevent it." -- Anne O'Hare McCormick

"I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask: 'Mother, what was war?' " -- Eve Merriam

"When men talk about defense, they always claim to be protecting women and children, but they never ask the women and children what they think." -- Pat Schroeder

"The facts of life are that a child who has seen war cannot be compared with a child who doesn't know what war is except from television." -- Sophia Loren (herself a child of war)

"I am against all war." -- Sophia Loren

"There never was a war that was not inward; I must fight till I have conquered in myself what causes war." -- Marianne Moore

"One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disastrous as to lose one." -- Agatha Christie

"Everything, everything in war is barbaric... But the worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being." -- Ellen Key