Friday

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age. The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"

The wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: OOOPS!

You might be a redneck if…

Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

According to unsubstantiated sources:

55 percent of women say they've faked an orgasm at one time or another.

33 percent of women admit they moan in bed, 7 percent shriek and 13 percent laugh.

The most popular sexual position is missionary, followed by the woman on top and "doggie style."

58 percent of women cuddle after sex, but 8 percent just "lie there silently."

Only 4 percent think bicyclists have "attractive physiques."

30 percent say swimmers have the sexiest bodies.

28 percent have the hots for gymnasts.

22 percent like volleyball players.

But only 14 percent say sprinters get their hearts racing.

Priscilla the pig of Houston, Texas rescued an 11-year-old boy from drowning. Priscilla spotted Anthony Melton swimming in Lake Somerville and noticed he was having trouble. She swam out to him, used her snout to keep his head above water until he could hold on to her collar, and then dragged him to shore.

Carletta the cow saved her owner, Bruno Cipriano of Tuscany in when she charged at a boar that was about to attack him and butted it with her horns.

Bracken the Collie saved his owner, Ian Elliot, when he was chopping down trees on his Canadian farm and a pine tree crashed on to him breaking his back. Bracken lay across him to maintain his body temperature. When Bracken heard voices in the distance, he ran to the men and led them back to his injured master.

A school of dolphins saved Adam Maguire when he was surfing near Sydney and was attacked by a shark. As the shark moved in for the kill it was distracted by a school of dolphins thrashing around in the water. To prevent the shark reaching Maguire, then dolphins then swam around him in circles until his friends had managed to rescue him.

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