Saturday

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband's home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!"

So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

His reply: "Only if it's raining!"

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily eyeing the cat food on his side.

The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the other side."

The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"

The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the bag and starts devouring the chicken feed.

The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river.

The Moral of the Story:

For every satisfied cock, there's a wet pussy!

A woman's guide to understanding men...

1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General Schwartzkopf.

3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"

7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

You might be a redneck if…

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

To help untangle my fishing gear, I asked my wife and her sister to walk the fishing line across our front yard and hold it taut while I reeled it back in.

A man strolling by saw the two good-looking women and did a double take. "I don't know what you're using for bait," he said to me, "but I'll take a dozen."

Bob looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him.

"You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"

Bob replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"