Wednesday

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?"

Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room. Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"

Again Joe thought this was good stuff. Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

I have found Inner Peace.

Recently I read an article that stated:

The best way to achieve inner peace is to "Finish Things You Have Started." So today I finished two large bags of potato chips, the last half of a lemon cream pie, a nearly full bottle of Jose Cuervo, a small box of Godiva Chocolates and I slapped the living shit out of someone I have never liked.

I feel better than I have felt for a long time!

Try it!

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

Seen in a John Deere sales office:

The only machine we don't stand behind is our manure spreader.

SCRABBLE

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone has waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! But isn't that interesting!

You might be a redneck if…

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

The flight home from a recent business trip was pretty empty. So the pilot made a simple request of the passengers.

"We have a little extra room tonight, folks," he said over the PA system. "So if you wouldn't mind, please take a window seat so the competition thinks the plane is full."

I had ordered vanity plates to go with my very first car and proudly did the installation myself. When I finished, my father came outside and asked, "Why did you put on only one?"
"That's all the state sent me," I replied.
"Is that right?" Dad said with a grin. Kneeling down, he quickly undid the screws and slid a fingernail along the edge of the plate, separating it from the one underneath.
The name on my personal plate? DITZ E 2