Tuesday

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

The following ads appeared in a newspaper over a period of four days, the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 555- 0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - - R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

A beachcomber of twenty-five had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she’d been washed ashore from another shipwreck just that morning.

After they got over their initial surprise at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he’d been alone on this barren bit of land.

"Almost twenty years," he said.

"Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"

"Oh, I fish, dig for clams and gather berries and coconuts," he replied.

"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.

"What’s that?" He looked puzzled.

Whereupon the bold maiden pulled the innocent beachcomber down onto the sand beside her and proceeded to demonstrate After they had finished, she asked how he had enjoyed it.

"Great!" was the nervous reply. "But look what it did to my clam digger..."

You might be a redneck if…

You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes best! For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

Bizarre Facts About the 1500s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in Mary and still smelled pretty good. However, they were starting to smell, which is why brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub of hot water. The man of the house had the nice clean water, then, all the other sons and men, then the women and, finally, the children. By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater."

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats, and other small animals lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slide off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. Bugs and other droppings could really mess up your clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

Sometimes folks could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock people out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. The person would be laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and wait to see if he or she would wake up - hence the custom of holding a "wake."