Friday

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later."H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man. The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

My co-worker and I were making a sales call to a rural Baptist church. We gave our presentation to the church committee, and then the group's chairman walked down to the altar and knelt down.
After a minute of silent prayer, he returned and announced in a solemn tone, "The Lord tells me we should wait."
My colleague responded by walking to the altar and kneeling down himself. Then he returned to the group, looked at the chairman, and declared, "He wants to talk with you again."

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

It was cold and rainy at the Atlantic Ocean resort where I was spending my vacation, but I finally bundled up and went down to the beach. There I saw a man in a bathing suit, lying on a large beach blanket. I walked up to him and asked why he was punishing himself that way.

"I've been waiting all year for this vacation so I could get some color," he said.

"And I'm going to get it - even if it's blue."

A window salesman telephoned his blonde customer.

"Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven't received a single payment."

"But,", the blonde protested, "You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months....."

You might be a redneck if…

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

A woman can do anything.
She can be traditionally feminine and that's all right;
she can work, she can stay at home;
she can be aggressive, she can be passive;
she can be anyway she wants with a man.
But whenever there are the kinds of choices there are today, unless you have some solid base, life can be frightening.

- BARBARA WALTERS

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dug out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the President's ear.

President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high five's" everyone near him.

The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."