Thursday

Bill's barn burned down and his wife, Lynn, called the insurance company.

Lynn spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Lynn replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

Truckers are a breed apart, and they have a language all their own. Some colorful examples of big-rig lingo:
Strips of rubber tire on the road ahead, to be avoided: Alligators
Semi with a big sleeper: Condo
Flatbed truck with a tarp: Covered wagon
Scale and/or weigh station: Chicken coop
Cars: Four-wheelers
Car-transport truck: Parking lot
Rest area: Pickle park
Snowplow salt trucks: Saltshakers
Bus: Stagecoach
Second trailer hauled by one semi tractor: Wiggle wagon

"A wedding ring is like a tourniquet it cuts off your circulation!"

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.

"We burn it," was the reply.

"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.

"Certainly not!" said the clerk. "This card is official government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it is destroyed."

That is old!

Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefooted.

Old is when your Doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light.

Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Old is when your wife says "lets go upstairs and make Love" and you answer "Honey, I can't do both.

And he adds... Sure I've gotten old. I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, and fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but...

THANK GOD, I STILL HAVE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE

You might be a redneck if…

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

Joe had gotten a sales route for the Acme insecticide company. He went off and after a week found that everyone was buying from Flanders of the Acme Insecticide Company and had no real inclination to change. He searched his mind for a way to break this up. Finally he came up with it.

Joe goes to Farmer Jones, the largest farmer in the valley and makes a pitch.

"But I'm satisfied with the Ace products. Why should I change," Jones tells him.

"Because Acme is better," Joe tells him, "I can even prove it. You have that meadow near the river where the mosquitos are really fierce. Let me spray the area and you can tie me naked to a tree all night. If I have even one bite on my body come morning, you just send me on my way, but if I come through unbitten, you have to buy all your insecticide from me this year."

Jones considers this and decides that he can't loose. The two go down to the Meadow, Joe sprays the area, undresses, and Jones ties him to a tree. Jones says good night and leaves.

The next morning, Jones returns and finds Joe exhausted but unmarked. Joe isn't just tired, he can hardly stand.

"Are you alright?" Jones asks.

"I'm fine, but doesn't that calf have a mother?"

A graduate in economics who completed his degree in the 1950's returned to his old university for a visit. He was amazed to see that the examination questions were identical to the ones asked in his day.

When he pointed this out to a member of staff, he replied, "That's true, but, of course, the answers are completely different now."