In loving memory of Tom Hogg, 1943–2023
MoFunny for
Women's Day · December 15, 2027
What is the worlds fastest reptile (measured on land)?
+----- Answer At The End -----+
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well dance with it. - George Bernard Shaw
Money is like a sixth sense without which you cannot make a complete use of the other five. -- W. Somerset Maugham, 'Of Human Bondage', 1915
There are some defeats more triumphant than victories. -- Michel de Montaigne
Cracker Jacks were introduced in the year 1896, but the prizes weren't included in the boxes until the year 1912.
Five brothers, born together in Llanpumpsaint, Wales, in the 10th century, are the most remarkable quintuplets in history. Each became a saint.
How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?
A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway, when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.
The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed.
As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.
"Yep," he replied, "beep repaired!"
We were driving our three-year-old grandson to his recently -divorced father's home when we stopped at a store. Once inside, our grandson decided he wanted one of those large gum balls.
I told him he couldn't have one, and he began to pout. I leaned over to him and said, "This is a fact of life: You don't always get everything you want."
"I know," he replied. "Just don't tell my dad."
Life will sometimes hand you a magical moment. Savor it!
Success is...
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from?
"The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.
"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" Asked Little Johnny.
Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."
"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mummy, where does food come from?"
"Farmers, dear."
"Mummy?"
"Yes, dear?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"
You might be a redneck if…
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me, to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried! to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young. If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older. If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age, If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
"Senility Prayer"...
God grant me... The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."
What is the worlds fastest reptile (measured on land)?
The worlds fastest reptile (measured on land) is the spiny-tailed iguana of Costa Rica. It has been clocked at 21.7 mph.
Spiny-tailed iguanas are large, bulky lizards with adult males reaching up to 18 inches long with an 18-inch tail. They are predominantly black but the dorsal surface may show black bands on a grayish background. Most have black mottling on their backs. The color may also lighten after basking in the sunlight with yellowish and orange markings becoming evident along the sides. Juveniles tend to be olive-green becoming tan and then finally grayish as they grow. Adult males and females are dimorphic. Adult males have well developed dorsal crests and small dewlaps. The dewlap, the crescent of skin that can be extended under the throat, is not inflated. A small bone bows out to extend the dewlap during times of threat, courtship, or while defending territory. Females lack obvious crests. There is considerable variation with age and sex and therefore identification may be difficult. The lizards have tails ringed with rows of sharp, curved spines, hence the name spiny-tailed iguana. The spines down the back are short.