Jokes

A very flat chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.

She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAA-AAA-AAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so Twiggy left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from?

"The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom.

"Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" Asked Little Johnny.

Johnny's mother answer, "The police, dear."

"Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"

"The fire department, dear."

"Mummy, where does food come from?"

"Farmers, dear."

"Mummy?"

"Yes, dear?"

"What do we need Daddy for?"

After having waited for an audience for quite a while, a Jew is finally allowed to see the Pope.

"Is it not true that you are the Messenger of God on Earth?" asks the Jew.

"Yes it is, my son. How can I help you?" says the Pope.

"Well you know, I own a little restaurant back in Jerusalem. I have inherited it from my father, who had it from his father, and so ON and so on. So the other day I was going through my balance, when I noticed something was not right."

"Yes, my son? What was it?" asks the Pope.

"Well, I have an unpaid bill for thirteen persons dated year 1, A.D. . ."

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.

Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.

"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief. But then the patient added, "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems."

"What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously.

"Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water."

"Hmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully.

"That's not all," continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blowjob, she gets heartburn."

"Hmm," said the doctor, as his face reddened.

"It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand....I get a hard-on!"

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

The tourist wandered into a gourmet food shop in Beverly Hills. He picked out two apples and a pear.

"That will be $8.00," the storeowner said.

The tourist gave him a ten-dollar bill and walked away.

"Wait! Don't you want your change?"

"Forget it. I stepped on a grape on my way in."

Kentucky Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.

I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother"

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.

But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...

You can't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,

But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother"

But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.

Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

The man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset.

When the man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!"

The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet baby!"

Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"

Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small gnus wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the gnus, killed them, and started eating them.

Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the distance. One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said:

"That is the end of the gnus. Here again are the head lions."

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet- dreams. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."

A cruise ship going through some rough waters and ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only three survivors - two men and a woman.

The three lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So...

They buried her.

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table.

The little rascals smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answers, " I had to go to the bathroom." "So I took it out, but then I saw couldn't have been been mine, so I put it back!"

We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.

When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.

"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.

"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.

The barber smiles at her and says," Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs, too!"

A spokesperson for the U. S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.

On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call,

'Ted's or Hale's'."

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet!"

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet!"

Finally they ask, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries!"

"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The 65 year old mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it!"

The Pope decided to grant absolution to three sinners.

The first person to come up was Howard Stern.

The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"

"I've offended people all over the country."

The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

Next was Bill Clinton.

"What is your sin?"

Clinton said, "I cheated on my wife."

The Pope looks at him and says, "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

The Pope then asked a third sinner, "What is your name?"

"Monica Lewinsky."

The Pope said, "Maybe you should remain standing."

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 year old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart', thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."

An Old Ukrainian woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Toronto City Building, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

The little old Ukrainian Baba says, "my, what lovely aromas"!

One turns to the old Ukrainian woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Loren, $150 an ounce!"

The other young and beautiful woman also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

The little Ukrainian woman is feeling very insulted from the remarks made to her. About 3 floors later, the old Ukrainian Baba has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says... "Cabbage. 49 cents a pound."

On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a nice blue four-door."

After a long pause, the driver replied, "My car is the one on fire."

A friend of ours was puzzled by the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day, friends and family would talk and then say, "Beep."

He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting. "Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message."

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn, right?"

"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine."

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped down on an Iraqi Primary School and captured 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.

Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a geo-board, base-ten blocks, algebra tiles, a computer, a data projector, and a graphing calculator.

This proves that Iraq indeed possesses weapons of math instruction.

The leggy, long haired blonde columnist lawyer named Ann was wearing a mini-skirt and a low-cut blouse. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.

All night long a dweebish looking guy named Ray, kept eyeing her. They made eye contact and he came over to her.

Slightly embarrassed as Ray gazed all over her, she held up her airplane charm and said, "Oh, you like my airplane?"

"Actually, ma'am," he smiled mischievously, "I'm kind of fond of the landing field."

Next time your application for a job is rejected...

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely, [Your Name]

Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief masturbating again.

He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."

The chief says, "Her arm get tired."

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers: 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".