Jokes

On this date in history: May 30

In 1431, Joan of Arc was burned at the stake in Rouen, France, at age 19. She had been convicted of sorcery.

In 1783, the "Pennsylvania Evening Post" became the first daily newspaper published in the United States.

In 1806, future President Andrew Jackson took part in a duel, killing Charles Dickinson, a Kentucky lawyer who had called Jackson's wife Rachel a bigamist.

In 1868, the first major Memorial Day observance was held to honor those killed during the Civil War. It was originally known to some as "Decoration Day." In 1922, the Lincoln Memorial was dedicated in Washington, D.C.

In 1937, a battle between police and strikers at the Republic Steel Corp. plant in Chicago killed 10 people and wounded 90.

In 1943, the Aleutian Islands of Kiska and Attu off the Alaskan coast were retaken by U.S. forces after being occupied by Japanese troops during World War II.

In 1972, the unmanned U.S. space probe Mariner 9 was launched on a mission to gather scientific data on Mars, ultimately sending back valuable information and becoming the first spacecraft to orbit a planet other than the earth.

In 1972, three Japanese terrorists killed 22 people with automatic weapons at the airport in Tel Aviv, Israel.

In 1982, Spain became the 16th member nation of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO).

In 1993, Ross Perot ran a 30-minute commercial on television denouncing the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA), which President Clinton supported.

In 1995, the United States announced it had moved seven ships and 12,000 Marines and sailors to the Adriatic Sea in response to the Serbian hostage-taking of U.N. peace- keepers.

In 1997, the National Transportation Safety Administration announced it was setting up a privately funded airline disaster response center in New York City to coordinate the release of information to the victims' relatives and the public following an air crash.

In 1998, Pakistan conducted another underground nuclear test, despite condemnation from many leading countries and the imposition of U.S. economic sanctions.

In 2002. Attorney General John Ashcroft announced the FBI would have expanded powers to monitor religious, political and other organizations as well as internet and other media as a guard against possible future terrorist attacks.

Also in 2002, the massive cleanup of the ruins of New York's World Trade Center, destroyed in the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, was completed.

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man would live a long and healthy life.

But Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the double cheeseburger. And McDonald's said to man, "You want fries with that?" And man said "Supersize them" and man gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my fresh salad."

But Satan created ice cream. And man gained pounds.

And God said, I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them. "

But Satan created steak so big that it needs its own platter. And man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

But Satan created cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels. So man watched others exercise and man gained pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

But Satan created deep fried potatoes called potato chips(crisps) and dips in which to plunge them. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in fat and cholesterol, it tasted good, but man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

But Satan controlled the health care system.

Differences Between You and Your Boss...

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough...

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy...

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human...

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative...

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm...

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original...

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative...

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business...

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill...

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked...

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Two: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Three: As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, even if more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Four: The following locations are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places were there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk's homes are better.

Rule Five: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with who, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Six: Be afraid, Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

25 SIGNS YOU'VE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

IF WOMEN HAD A PENIS!

A survey asked women:

"What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"

Here are their actual responses...

"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."

"I would write my name in the snow."

"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"

"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."

"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."

"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."

"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."

"I would measure it both ways."

"Pee off of a tall building."

"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."

"I would treat women better with it."

"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."

"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."

"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."

"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."

"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."

"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."

"See how many donuts I could carry with it."

"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony.

He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a drive 300 yard down the middle of the fairway.

When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be fine."

She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full minutes looking for the ball. He played it for the shot of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the green.

Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole." She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap.

The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there.

Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's ok. I think we can do better on the next hole."

She snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only *2* of those *5* shots were mine!"

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW, great!" he thinks. "What a good place to be today."

He is boarding, but he doesn't see the Pope, so he figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong. He takes his seat and is thankful that there is an empty next to him.

Just before the flight closes, the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me.

The plane takes off, and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seatbelts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.

The Pope turns to him and says: "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything your eminence. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

It’s not senility – It’s Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

AAADD: Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I spotted the mail on the hall table.

I should go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay the car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and

notice that the trash can is full.

So, I put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

Since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I might as well pay the bills first.

I see my checkbook on the table, but there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk, where I find the bottle of juice that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the juice aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

But the juice is getting warm, and should be put in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

Heading toward the kitchen with the juice, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.

They need to be watered.

I set the juice down on the counter, and find my reading glasses, for which I've been searching all morning.

I had better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table. Tonight when we sit down to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table. I should put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back down on the table, and get some towels to wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

I'm trying to figure out why nothing got done today, it's quite baffling because

I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I know this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness.
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle exhorting you to send money.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that very moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 16.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends will love you, anyway. . .no matter what!

This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom. "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender. "Sure.", says the bartender. As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the cue-ball. "What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed.

When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says. "Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my cue-ball." "Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's $20 and after the monkey passes the cue-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?" The bartender agrees.

A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the cue-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" "He isn't going to eat the cue-ball is he?", asked the bartender. "No he's over that.", explained the guy. Bartender agrees.

As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up it's ass, pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut. "What innnnnnn the hellllllll", the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner.

The guy comes out of the bathroom. "Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up it's ass, and then ate it afterwards.", the bartender explained, still overcome by the act. "Oh yeah...", the guy acknowledges. "It's just that ever since the cue-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits.".

Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years, they had enjoyed losing their virginity together, and they were inseparable until they graduated.

They had planned on going to college together, but he was accepted to a school on the west coast, and she was accepted to a school on the east coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.

He didn't take this very well, so he increased the number of phone calls, letters and e-mails in an attempt to save their relationship.

She became very annoyed with this when she started seeing a new fellow, and she wanted to get the old boyfriend off her back, so she took a Polaroid picture of her going down on her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone!"

Needless to say, he was heartbroken, and very pissed off. So,... he wrote a note on the back of her photo:

"Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time at college. Please send more money!"

...and then mailed the picture to her parents.