Jokes

If Women Ruled The Earth

Women could have an "affair" and humiliate the man!

All male delivery guys would have a strict dress code: Bikini briefs only!

Toilet seats would be spring loaded so they would always be down

Paychecks would be made out to the wife

The remote would always be at her chair

It would be mandatory for all men to ask for directions if they have never been to a place!!

Soap Operas would NEVER be cancelled/delayed for Wimbledum or any other sporting event!

Weekend afternoons would have movies on TV INSTEAD of golf, racing, basketball, etc.!

Men would be required to wear a feminine pad whenever their wives/girlfriends got their "monthly" visitor!

Men would be required to pee INSIDE the toilet; not around the toilet! Penalty would be the same as the dog who goes inside a house: RUB HIS NOSE IN IT!!!!

Automatic 3-day PMS leave. A win-win situation

"Mom-Spit" would be marketed as the next all purpose cleaner.

Women's public bathrooms would have 100 stalls so lines would be equal for men and women. Unfortunately, men's rooms would have to be as nasty as women's

There would be toilets just for men, with a bowl as big as a bath tub (and self cleaning)

Listed below is a selected list of many of the lesser-known gods and demigods of Greece that have apparently been ignored or forgotten by historians for various and sundry reasons. Some of these gods were obviously important and useful in everyday life habits, others apparently had no redeeming value whatsoever, but somehow achieved god or goddess hood. This list is presented here in the hopes that it will prove helpful to someone somewhere, sometime.

Egregious - God of Errors. Though he spent virtually all his life with the other gods and goddesses on Mount Olympus, he is rumored to have left for a short vacation to the south of France where he met and had an affair with the French goddess, Faux Pas. Egregious was one of the smartest gods on Mount Olympus. In fact, many thought he might be as smart as Zeus, though no one would ever admit this publicly. However, his unfortunate habit of making so many mistakes kept him from becoming one of the better-known gods. When asked how someone so smart could make so many stupid mistakes, his reply was always "You learn from your mistakes. Obviously, I've made so MANY mistakes, I've become a genius!"

Melanoma - God of Tanning. Often seen away from Mount Olympus and down along the sandy beaches of southern Greece, Melanoma could have been ranked up there with the other major gods of his time, He was strong, handsome, and had a body that attracted all the goddesses. His only major fault was getting involved with the mortal Macedonian strip queen, Ultra Violet. The two of them constantly Played naked in the sun along the Greek shoreline. Zeus, upon seeing Melanoma cavorting with a non-Olympian, decided to punish him by taking away his immortality. This didn't seem to bother Melanoma at first and he continued to associate with Ultra Violet and played in the buff each day. Soon though, Melanoma started to notice small dark patches on his skin that eventually became cancerous. He died a quick, but horrible death, with Ultra Violet at his side till the very end.

Ozone - God of Memory. Ozone was another failed god. Upon attaining godhood, Zeus asked Ozone to choose the subject for which he would be revered for all time. He chose Memory. To celebrate his attaining full godliness, Ozone married his school sweetheart, Amnesia. However, their foggy relationship soon resulted in the complete loss of all the records of all the great gods on Mount Olympus. Zeus retaliated by immediately expelling Ozone to Southern California, where he was held prisoner in the dreaded "Inversion Layer" along with the evil nether-world dragon-god of progress and technology, Smog.

Pancreas - Demigod of Dessert. Father of the sugar gods, Arabinose, Fructose, and Glucose. Pancreas was a short-lived god who spent most of his time on coffee breaks eating donuts. His marriage to Diabetes was no help to him at all and he died soon after they had their three sons.

Peristalsis - God of Bowel Movements. Revered for his strength and perseverance, Peristalsis occupied a special place in the bathrooms of old Greece. Figurines in his likeness stood next to or near the place of anal evacuation. A special prayer to Peristalsis often accompanied a trip to the bathroom in some of the better bathrooms of high-society Greeks.

Uvula - Goddess of Swallowing. Uvula was an often unappreciated goddess who spent most of her time at the back of the room of all the other gods and goddesses on Mount Olympus. Only when she cleared her throat did anyone bother to pay any attention to her. She originally came from Rome and was accepted into the Greek goddess system, but only because of the promise she showed. She was reported to spend some time with the god Fellatio (a part-Italian god) who promised to show her something she could do that would make her one of the most revered goddesses of all of Mount Olympus (at least by the gods there). They were to meet one hot and steamy night under an olive tree where Fellatio would show her what she could do. Unfortunately, Fellatio never came.

Zirconia - Goddess of Costume Jewelry. Often in direct competition with the goddesses Titanium and Platinum, Zirconia was pretty much always relegated to being allowed only to attend the lesser parties on Mount Olympus at which the great gods and goddesses were rarely present. As a result, Zirconia was subsequently ignored by most historians and now only shows up on the backs of magazines for really cheap prices.

Rating Hangovers

1 star hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomber and a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.

3 star hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke -- yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.

5 star hangover (*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.

6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker"

You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning .....You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead... that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

I'm glad I'm a woman - Yes I am, yes I am..
I don't live on Budweiser, beer, nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before asking directions.

I act nice at parties; don't act like a clown;
And I know how to put the damn toilet seat down.
I won't grab your boobies; I won't pinch your butt.
My belt is not hidden beneath my beer gut.

I don't go around re-adjusting my crotch;
or make sure my headboard bears each hard-earned notch.
I don't belch in public; don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman, you see - I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman; So glad I could sing- and thrilled I'm not covered in shag carpeting.
Hair won't grow from my ears, Or cover my back.
And when I bend over, you can't see my crack.

I'm a woman, alas - and I'm proud, don't you see?
I'm blessed to have two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live for golf, or shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I don't need male bonding; I don't cruise for chicks-
I'll never join the "Hair Club", or think with my dick.
I'm a woman, by chance And thankful I am!
I'm so glad I'm a woman; not a man, yes I am!

Driving Rules for Idiots

When your car is so old as to break down every mile or so, be sure to drive on bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic. If your car breaks down while driving, stay in the middle of the road. Do not attempt to move to the shoulder.

When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open.

If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, place the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive around it.

If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as much as you can and rev the engine.

Drag your exhaust system on the ground when possible.

If your car leaks oil, and you visit friends or relatives, park in their driveway.

Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet roads and slippery roads.

If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipes, allow your car to roll back at the next red light to make sure that you get some of it into the car behind you.

Tint your windows pitch black so that nobody can see you, where you're looking, or what's happening in front of you.

Only have your oil checked and windows washed when you pull into a busy and understaffed, full service gas station.

Never replace burned out brake, signal, and head lights.

When replacing a burned out headlamp, try aiming the lights a little so you can see better at night.

Don't fix windows which no longer roll down. This way you can delay other drivers by having to unfasten your seat belt and open the entire car door to pay a highway toll.

If any safety parts on your car need replacing (such as burned out headlights or worn tires) wait until just before the inspection is due to get them repaired. No sense in rushing things.

If the bumper or exhaust system starts to fall off, use twine to loosely tie it back up.

If the plastic tail light cover breaks, fix it with red tape.

If the plastic turn signal cover breaks, fix it with yellow tape.

If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it into the antenna opening.

Adjust your window washers so that they squirt over the wind- shield, above the car, and onto the vehicle behind you.

An old rag is the perfect substitute for a missing gas cap.

When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open, then step into oncoming traffic as you walk around the door to reenter your car.

Install bright neon lights around your license plates so that no one can read it.

When you bring your car in for servicing and the mechanic asks what kind of car you have, tell him you have a blue one.

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.

His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car".

The boy was not too happy, but was understanding. A week later, his second son approached him wanting a new bike.

"Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your bike."

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a tricycle. Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster mating one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked ,. the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.

His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that."

The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that damn tractor gets paid off!"

Famous Marriage Quotes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury. George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"

Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

How would to live in these places...

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Bastard (Norway)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Cornwall, UK)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo -Democratic Republic)
Donk (Belgium)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukum (Yemen)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shafter (California, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Stains (Near Paris, France)
Tittybong (Australia)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Twatt (Shetland, UK)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

I am sending this on because it ended with a "double dog dare" to pass it on. If you remember what that means, you understand. If you don't know what that means, read on and see what you missed. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and young enough not to care. How many do you remember?

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
4. Coffee shops with table side juke boxes
5. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
7. Party lines.
8. Newsreels before the movie.
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix ...(Landscape 6)
12. Pea shooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM Records
15. Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice cube trays-with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue Flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork pop guns
23. Drive ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. The Fuller Brush man
27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders
28. Tinker toys
29. The Erector Set
30. The Fort Apache Play set
31. Lincoln Logs
32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards...with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
34. Penny candy
35. 24.9 cent-a-gallon gasoline

A TIME WHEN ...

* Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
* Mistakes were corrected! by simply exclaiming "do over!"
* "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
* Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
* It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
* The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties".
* Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
* A foot of snow was a dream come true.
* Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
* "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
* Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
* The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
* War was a card game.
* Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
* Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
* Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
* If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!
* Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...

I double dog dare ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since most computer geeks are "engineers", I thought you might enjoy reading it.

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Directions:

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extruder attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to thermal equilibrium.

How To Pack Award-Winning School Lunches

( The most important part of any school lunch is the lunch box. Remember, if the kid is not proud of his lunch box, he will not digest his lunch and may be sent home for disruptive burping.

It is best to pack only cold foods for a school lunch. Cold foods can be packed the night before when you are wide awake and know what you're doing.

Make enough sandwiches to last the entire school year and freeze them. This will save lots of time and your child will love them if you place an animal sticker on each baggie and tell the kid he is getting designer frozen TV sandwiches.

Sandwiches on hard rolls keep longer than sandwiches made with sliced bread. Also, the rolls will help younger children get rid of unwanted loose baby teeth.

Apples are always great for school lunches. If your child cannot swap his apple to someone else, he may eat it just so he can play "Apple Core Baltimore."

Raw broccoli, cauliflower, and zucchini are great for school lunches if your child is overweight and needs a little encouragement to run away from home.

No school lunch is complete without several fast food packets of ketchup. A child will eat anything he can cover with ketchup. Or, at least, he will eat the ketchup.

Add something personal to make your child smile or think of you when he opens his lunch box. The most sure winner is money for junk food.

Remember to wash the lunch box with an industrial strength cleaner at least once a day. And at the end of the school year, be sure to bury it in an approved waste dump where it cannot endanger future generations.