Jokes

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if "hard on" was hyphenated.

The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you writing home about!"

The young boy says, "I'm telling Mum and Dad about the project we worked so 'hard on'."

I guess I must have been poking through the cards for an awful long time, lingering from one card to another, because the clerk in the Hallmark store came over and said, "Sir, is there a problem?"

"Yeah," I sighed, "I can't find one my girlfriend will believe."

Little Johnny strikes again

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," ! said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said! the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"

"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.

The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."

"Is this Oriskany Falls?"

"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"

"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."

Ever wonder about people who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually?

MAKING COFFEE Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir. . . gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET Laying a carpet is. . . very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT Putting up a tent, is. . . very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an' . . . slip in to the old bag.

MORE ACTUAL SIGNS

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ... WHO IN THE HECK UNDERSTANDS MEN?

COOL THINGS ABOUT HAVING A BEER BELLY

- You're less likely to be pestered by annoying sorority girls.

- It doubles as a convenient TV tray for nachos and beer.

- It's a great way to meet cute female cardiologists.

- Extra gravity makes it that much less likely you'll ever be thrown free of the earth into deep space.

- Your bellybutton can store up to eight quarters for the parking meter.

The dean and the coach struck a simple deal. Despite his abysmal grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if and only if he could learn and remember the formula for water before then. The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the gridiron star and were confident that he'd come through with flying colors.

On the morning of the game the dean came down to the locker where the tackle was suiting up. "Well?" said the dean. "What is the formula for water?"

Grinning broadly, and drawing confidence from the presence of his proud coach, the player said, "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O."

John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched, clutching his hands between his legs.

"What's wrong?" John said.

"I've been hit by a bloody baseball!" said Mike.

Just then John's blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said, "Quick come in here and I'll look after you."

When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's penis with cotton wool and water.

"Christ!" said John, "How do you feel?"

Mike turned and said "John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!" Then, holding his hand in the air he said, "But I still think I'll lose the nail!"

One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government.

The boy turns to his father and asks, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?"

The father replies without hesitating, "Oh, about half of them."

Statistics show that American workers labor the first three hours of every day just to pay their taxes. That must be why we can't get anything done in the morning

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost

B - Better

C - Cute

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fake

And now they have added a new size for the over 50 group...

G - Gone South!

A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but when gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust.

The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away.

So, that day, the farmer does just that.

The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm and sees the neighbor' kid out by their barn.

"Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?" the farmer asks.

The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her butt!!"

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died.

If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said,

"Son. Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your pecker look smaller."

Abe's son Morris arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.

"Dad, you'll be so proud of me," Morris said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!"

"Morris, you are a stupid boy!" said Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $12.00!"

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said, "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. A man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."

Dogs Vs Cats

* Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they're horny.
* Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
* Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won't even let you throw them.
* Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
* No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat."
* Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others'.
* Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.
* Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.
* Why do you think they call it "Dog Breath?"
* Garfield. Odie. Enough said.

My Very First Time Ever!

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart

And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came

At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could.

"What's your job there?" the caller asked me.

"I'm the president," I replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something."

Here in Ohio, there's a six month waiting period for filing for divorce.

But there's only a 15 day waiting period to buy a handgun.

It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems. . .

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off our car!"

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
~Author unknown

You just may be a nymphomaniac if...

You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
You go through a Sealy Mattress every week.
Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
When your ceiling mirrors fog.
When they install a revolving door at your apartment because hinges only last two days.
When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
Madonna comes to you for pointers.
When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".

One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Kings Cross," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

"The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?".

Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"

A husband and wife decided they needed to use a code word to indicate that they wanted to have sex, without letting their children in on the idea, so they decided on the word "typewriter."

One day, the husband told his five year old daughter, "Dear, go tell your mommy that Daddy needs to type a letter."

The child went into the next room and told her mom what Daddy had said, and her mother responded, "Honey, tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her dad what her mom had said. A few days later, the mother told her daughter, "Honey, go tell Daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child went into the next room and gave her dad the message. A few moments later, she returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines!

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!"