Jokes

A ship is called "she" because there is always a great deal of bustle about her;
there is usually a gang of men about'
she has a waist and stays;
it takes a lot of paint to keep her good-looking;
it is not the initial expense that breaks you, it is the upkeep;
she can be all decked out;
it takes an experienced man to handle her correctly, and without a man at the helm, she is absolutely uncontrollable.

She shows her topsides,
hides her bottom and,
when coming into port,
always heads for the buoys.

The District Judge in our county is a no-nonsense woman who has never left any doubt as to her professionalism. What those of us who work in the court didn't know was whether she had a sense of humor.

The matter was put to rest the morning an older woman was testifying before the judge. Several times during the proceedings the woman addressed the judge as "Honey."

Finally the judge looked the woman in the eye and said, "That's Judge Honey."

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.

The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style."

"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"

"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead."

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."

A little boy was in the school's bathroom. He found there was no toilet paper so he used his hand. When he got back to his classroom the teacher asked what he had in his hand.

"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

The teacher couldn't get him to open his hand and sent him to the principal who also asked what he had in his hand.

"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was sent home with a note asking to see his parents, so his mom asked him what he had in his hand.

"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was sent to his room. In a while his dad came in and asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

Again came the reply, "It's a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

His dad ordered him to open his hand, and as he did so the boy said, "Oh no, Dad, look; you scared the crap out of him!"

Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party. He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open.

Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said, "Did you hear something?"

"No!" said the Invisible Man, "but my ass sure hurts like hell!"

Little Johnny was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

Little Johnny turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

His mother smiled reassuringly at Little Johnny. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

Little Johnny looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

Little Johnny thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.

And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out, and a car rusts and.......

An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me... it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied... "The one you feed!"

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and liking the continual good weather settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep and after a whole day his legs were sunburned beyond belief and he could hardly stand for the pain. So he goes along to the doctor for treatment.

The doctor looks at his sunburned legs and says, 'Well, you realize that this is only a small village with very limited medical facilities, and in reality I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking one of these Viagra tablets.'

So the man says 'but I've got acute sunburn. What's a Viagra tablet going to do?'

The doctor says, 'basically, nothing at all for the sunburn but it will help keep the sheets off of your legs tonight.'

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly.

Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.

The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?"

The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

The U.S. Mint is recalling 120 million new State Quarters issued commemorating the State of West Virginia. Apparently the unique design of two dimes and a nickel held together with duct tape was jamming vending machines and parking meters.

Officials say a new quarter will be issued in the standard format, using the second place finalist from the design competition. The new coin will have the familiar view of a pickup truck on cinder blocks on the front lawn of the state capital building.

And the flip side will be modified to have the eagle with a bandage on its wing under the motto "WARNING: IF YOU SEE THIS BIRD, DO NOT SHOOT IT!"

GOOD GIRLS VS. BAD GIRLS

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No."
Bad girls say, "When?"

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel who tells him that before he dies god has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his whole life. The Pope argues for a while but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are met:

"First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration I will perform on her body!"

"Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!"

"Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable acts I will be performing on her body."

The angel writes these down and begins to float away to reports back to God. Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward and says, "One last thing."

"What is it?" asks the Angel.

The Pope whispers, "Big tits."

Understanding Engineers

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

One day at the watering hole, an elephant looked around and carefully surveyed the turtles in view. After a few seconds thought, he walked over to one turtle, raised his foot, and kicked the turtle as far as he could. A watching hyena asked the elephant why he did it.

"Well, about 30 years ago I was walking through a stream and a turtle bit my foot. Finally I found the S.O.B and repaid him for what he had done to me."

"30 years!!! And you remembered...But how???"

"I have turtle recall."

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.

The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied. "The hens are 'round back." '

Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had our first fight last night."

Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?"

Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope."

Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat Clothile is Catholic."

Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was too."

Who's The Father?

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro.

The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?"

She said, "Well, yes, but only once."

"Once is all it takes" he replied.

Then the torso appeared and it was yellow.

"Ma'am, have you ever slept with an Asian man?" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.

When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Native American and she said, "only once," and he replied that that was all it took.

Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry.

"Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't bark!"

We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you traveled far enough you would go over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America.

While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he had reached India.

Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage.

His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon."

A guy 4'6" tall walks into a bar and orders a drink then stands up and yells across the bar, "Who is the baddest man in here?"

This guy 6'4" stands up and says "I am."

Well, the little guy goes over and whips the crap out of the big man and leaves.

Next day same thing little man orders a drink and proceeds to whip the crap out of the baddest man in the bar and then leaves. This goes on for 2 weeks straight. Finally the bartender decides to do something so he buys a mean man-eating gorilla.

Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says "Who's the baddest man here?"

Bartender says, "He's in the bathroom!"

After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling the little guy comes out of the bathroom and tells the bartender, "When the guy in the bathroom wakes up, tell him his fur coat is in the trash can."

It is not unusual for people to collect things, such as coins or stamps. However, it is a little odd to have a collection of body parts. For actress Drea de Matteo, who plays Adriana La Cerva on the television series The Sopranos, sentimentality leads to her desire to collect bits and pieces of those who mean the most to her.

She has just added to her bizarre collection by becoming the proud owner of her brother's teeth. "He sent me all his teeth in the mail. He had one side of his mouth replaced. I like to keep things. I'm sentimental."

However, De Matteo's strangest keepsakes rest in a jar on her bedside table - the testicles from her Great Dane. She remarked, "He's still alive. I show them to him every time he misbehaves. I think he knows they're his."

Working as a cargo handler for a major package delivery company, I came across an express envelope with shipping instructions that puzzled me, particularly the line describing the contents.

I finally realized the parcel contained some kind of manual and was addressed to a church. But at first I thought I was processing one of our company's most momentous pieces of freight.

The description read, "Instructions for the Assembly of God."

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Trying to make up for bad behavior, a man went to the shopping mall to buy his wife a gift. "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," he says eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," the man replied, "She also needs a bra and panties."