Jokes

Celebrate with some traditional Irish tavern songs!

St. Patrick was a gentleman
Who through strategy and stealth
Drove all the snakes from Ireland
Heres a toasting to his health.

But not too many toastings
Lest you lose yourself
And then forget the good St. Patrick
And see all those snakes again.

~Traditional~

Where are me boots, me noggin noggin boots
They're all gone for beer and tobacco
For the heels they are worn out and the toes are kicked about
And the soles are looking for better weather

And it's all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog
All for me beer and tobacco
Well I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin
Across the western ocean I must wander

Where is me shirt me noggin noggin shirt
It's all gone for beer and tobacco
For the collar is all worn and the sleeves they are all torn
And the tail is looking for better weather

And it's all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog
All for me beer and tobacco
Well I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin
Across the western ocean I must wander

I'm sick in the head and I haven't gone to bed
Since I first came ashore from me slumber
For I spent all me dough on the lassies don't you know
Far across the western ocean I must wander

And it's all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog
All for me beer and tobacco
Well I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin
Across the western ocean I must wander

~Traditional~

A man walked into a supermarket, asking to buy half a head of lettuce. The stock boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was insistent: he did not need a whole head, only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished speaking, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "--and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Afterward, the manager said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Texas?" Asked the manager.

The boy said, "Nothing but loose women and ball players down there."

"Hey!" Said the manager, "My wife is from Texas!!"

"No kidding!" Says the boy. "What team did she play for?"

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

You know you're in deep trouble when...

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your late car payment.

The little league puts you on waivers.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DEA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

They pay your wages out of petty cash.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.

You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out. '

WOMEN'S 5 TOUGHEST QUESTIONS!

The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1:

What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is:
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

A. Football.
B. Golf.
C. How fat you are.
D. How much prettier she is than you.
E. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2:

Do you love me?

The proper response is:
"YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order,

"Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
A. I suppose so.
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter? E. Who, me?

Question # 3:

Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I've seen fatter.
E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4:

Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:
A. Yes, but you have a better personality
B. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
C. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
D. Define pretty
E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5:

What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman:
Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
W: Why not, don't you like being married?
M: Of course I do.
W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
M: Okay, I'd get married again.
W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
M: Yes, I would.
W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
M: Where else would we sleep?
W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine that you can change a man unless he is in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon - why can't they put them all there?
Tell him you are not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your mans mind wander - it is too little to be let out alone.
Go for younger men - you might as well, they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the Do It Yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
A mans idea of serious commitment is usually 'oh alright, I'll stay the night.'
Sadly, all men are created equal.

Remember that a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of 'former boyfriend.'
There are lots of words to describe men - strong, caring, loving -they'd be wrong but you can still use them.

50 Reasons To Be A Woman!

1. Free drinks. 2. Free dinners.

3. Free movies (you get the point).

4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.

5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.

6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.

7. Speeding ticket? What's that?

8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.

10. If you have sex with someone and don't call the next day, you're not the devil.

11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.

12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so -- out loud.

13. If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.

14. You can sleep your way to the top.

15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.

16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.

17. It's possible for you to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

18. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.

19. Brad Pitt.

20. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.

21. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.

22. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

23. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.

24. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

25. If you think the person you're dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them.

26. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.

27. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

28. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.

29. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.

30. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.

31. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

32. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

33. You have the ability to dress yourself.

34. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

35. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

36. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

37. If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.

38. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.

39. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

40. You can quickly end any fight by crying.

41. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.

42. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

43. You've never had a goatee.

44. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.

45. You'll never regret piercing your ears.

46. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

47. You'll never discover you've been duped by a Wonderbra.

48. You don't have hair on your back.

49. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

50. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way that only another woman truly can.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, $101,237.64."

The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."

Jack owned an adult toy store and he had just opened store last Friday morning. A woman comes in and is shopping around. She sees a pink dildo on a shelf and ask the price.

"$12.95," he said.

She bought it and left the store.

Then another woman comes in and she looks around and spots a pretty blue one on the back wall.

"How much for the pretty blue one back there?" she asked.

He said, "$25.00."

"Oh isn't that kind of expensive?" she asked.

"Well, it has a vibrator in it."

She thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, I'll take it." She paid for it and left the store, too.

He looked at the clock and it had been open only 30 minutes when another woman walked in the door.

She looked around quickly and said, "I want that one that is green with the silver top on it. The one that's back there on that table."

He said, "Lady, I can't sell you that!"

She said, "Why not I will give you $150.00 for it."

He sold it to her and she left the store. Minutes later he closed the shop and went home.

His wife said, "You're home very early. What happened?"

He said, "I sold my thermos for $150.00!"

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring and passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentle- man with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camels". Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants and grabbed a firm hold on the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut

And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old penis envy

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai Warrior. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a skillful feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* *Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"Ah-h-h, that is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing a fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room and the fly let out a high pitched sound. But the fly was still alive and buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision .....THAT takes skill!"

If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example...

Ziploc Bags: Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them

Copier: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire: Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated

Hot Air Balloon: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part

Sponges: Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water

Web Page: Female, because it's always getting hit on

Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up

Hourglass: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom

Hammer: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around

Remote Control: Female. You thought it'd be male.
But consider - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying."

There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London; a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan.

The Trinidadian went in first.

After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque. "But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted.

The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble, he let the Trini leave.

Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted.

This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go.

Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so..."

Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly, "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem... jus gimme mi change!"