Heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando.
"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
Jokes
Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 4 of 75
English Is Grand
On a California freeway:
Fine for Littering
In the window of an Atlanta clothing store:
Sid's Pants is Open
On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service:
Able to Do the Worst Possible Job
In a New York jewelry store:
Genuine Fauz Pearls
In a Kansas City oculist's office:
Broken Lenses Duplicated Here
In a Boston fast-food parking lot:
Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only
Billboard on Florida highway:
If You Can't Read, We Can Help
On the Triborough Bridge in New York:
In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge
On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart:
We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.
At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA:
Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended
On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:
The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur
In a Grand Rapids restaurant:
Half baked chicken
In a Dayton barbershop:
During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here
On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore:
Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books
On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost:
Frost Free Library
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
"The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more."
-- Woody Allen
While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."
My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief,
"You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"
What are "Chopines"? Some are over 20 inches tall.
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.
"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.
"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.
"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."
"How can you tell?"
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. . . "
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Jon looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Amanpreet, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Amanpreet walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Amanpreet says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Preet replies, "I'll tell him."
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states that the last words of the drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, shit!"
Only the states of Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Texas and Central Florida were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this.
A boss was complaining in his staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
"I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat."
A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."
"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.
"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.
"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner. So the man went out and came back an hour later.
"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man. The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."
The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"
"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"
This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork.
"About two hours," says the conductor.
"OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?"
The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why would you think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!"
The old man was setting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What are you selling, young man," he asked.
"I'm not selling anything, sir." the young man replied. "I'm the Census Taker."
"A what?" the man asked.
"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."
"Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no idea."
A drunk looks up from his drink and says, "Bartender, I have to go. Which way is the bathroom?"
The bartender points out the direction, and as the man staggers off, he says, "While you're there, go for me too."
The drunk returns, sits down, then says, "Damn! I forgot something."
Then, minutes later, returns again and says, "Hey bartender, you didn't have to go."
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up-what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But......
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so damned easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a freakin' Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today...you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. We wanted to know something, we had to go to the LIBRARY and look it up ourselves!
And there was no e-mail! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with a pen! And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the frickin' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! We wanted to steal music, we had to go to the record store and shoplift it ourselves! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and f*** it all up!
We didn't have fancy sh** like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was -- it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer -- you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation or "X-Box" videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked butt! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens-it was just one screen...forever! And you could never win! The game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!
And sure, 2% of us had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And 98% of us still had to use one of those God-awful, frustrating antennas that you would bend and twist into every conceivable configuration AND wrap the ends with aluminum foil and still not get a clear picture! And UHF!!! Need I say more?!?!?!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning...D'ya hear what I'm saying?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little brats!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled, I swear to God!
You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!!!!!
Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.
"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand.
After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all about?"
The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints come onta my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop. Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."
Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves.
After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.
Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."
"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."
Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you *really* ought to see this."
"Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?"
Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"
Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.
Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God! We're gonna be rich!"
The Following Contains Subliminal Suggestions.
Hi. I'm Mike. I'd like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon (sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (I'm your love slave) in the past few years. I'm talking about subliminal suggestion.
Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it exposed (and a stereo) to them too fast or in a way the conscious mind can pick (you want me) up. Thus, the person so suggested (my room 8 tonight) finds himself doing something that he ordinarily wouldn't do (bring clean sheets).
This technique was often seen being used (I'll get the champagne) in movie theatres, where one frame of a film would have a message like "Buy the popcorn." (and the condoms). This one frame goes by so fast the conscious mind can't possibly assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many believe that the subconscious picks it up and causes the mind (I really want you) to act on it.
Does it really (all night is not out of the question) work? Who knows... (and we can bring the stuffed animals and the Jell-O and the peanut butter and the nylon rope and watch "I Love Lucy" reruns and do things that they'll have to invent new names for when we're done and then we can sleep for 3 hours and do it all again) The jury is still out on that one.
Thanks for your time and patience.
The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains. Neither one could account for his trouble.
Arriving home from work one night, he informed her. "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket."
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together When you are married ....You wonder who will die first
If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend.
-- Stone Temple Pilots
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
-- Winnie the Pooh
True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost.
-- Charles Caleb Colton
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Walk beside me and be my friend.
-- Albert Camus
Strangers are just friends waiting to happen. Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life.
Friendship is one mind in two bodies.
-- Mencius
Friends are God's way of taking care of us.
I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay
-- Dave Matthews
If all my friends were to jump off a bridge,
I wouldn't jump with them,
I'd be at the bottom to catch them.
Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what you say.
Best friends listen to what you don't say.
We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.;
-- Tim McGraw
My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life.;
-- Lee Iacocca
Hold a true friend with both your hands.;
-- Nigerian Proverb
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.;
-- Unknown
"And what was the culmination of events that led you to file this action," asked the man's attorney in the divorce hearing.
"All through our marriage my wife was less than fully responsive to my sexual initiatives," replied the husband, "but the clincher came one morning at the breakfast table."
"Why? What happened?"
"She announced, 'Just so you don't get your hopes up, I'm already beginning to get a headache.'"
On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.
Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!: I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million- dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this motel!"
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo."
"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Errr.., it goes.. click!"
At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed.
The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now?"
What Men Know
Men know... that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
Men know... that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
Men know... that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know... that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.
Men know... never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know... how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Men know... exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
Men know... that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
Men know... that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
Men know... that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.
Men know... that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
Men know... that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.
Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and maybe a few times during the year.
One Sunday, Ole was sitting in the pew right behind Lena and got to noticing what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," Lena replied.
Ole was tickled as all get out. All week long he polished his old Ford truck. On Friday he picked up Lena and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked at Lena and asked, "Lena, vould you a cocktail before supper?"
"Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Ole was a little taken back, but he didn't say much about it. After dinner, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering Lena one.
"Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, Ole was feeling kind of low, having had two offers rebuffed. On the way home, was they passed the Hot Springs Motel, he figured, heck, he'd struck out twice, so he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena, vould you like to stop at the motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," she replied.
Ole couldn't believe his luck. He whipped his Ford into the parking lot, jumped out of the truck, ran into the hotel office, checked in, ran back out, and took Lena right to the hotel room.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying on the bed, her hair spread out all over the pillow. "Vat have I done, vat have I done?" Ole thought. He shook Lena awake. "Lena, I've got to ask you von thing."
"Vot's dat?" she said, sleepily.
"Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time."
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"
1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contestants do. What is it?
(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
(4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?
(5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
(6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
(7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
(8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them.
(9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
(10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers"?
(11) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls - a walk - is one way. Name the other six.
(12) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
(13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning?
(14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s".
(Scroll down for the answers)
Nice jugs...
ANSWERS:
1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contestants do. What is it? - Boxing.
(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? -Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? - Asparagus and rhubarb.
(4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross? - Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think).
(5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? - Baseball.
(6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside? - Strawberry.
(7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? - The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
(8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them. - Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
(9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? - Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
(10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers"? - In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.
(11) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls - a walk - is one way. Name the other six. - Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
(12) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? - Lettuce.
(13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning? - If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn't throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe.
(14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s". - Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on.
BRAIN TEASER: Can YOU solve it?
He went in the woods and got it,
He couldn't get it so he left it,
When he went home he took it with him.
The whole time, he wanted to get rid of it.
What is it?
GIVE UP?
When you're ready to see the answer, just scroll down to the "brain teaser solution" below!
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde, "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age.
The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.
The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked the boy.
"Yes, I'm nine!" the boy said.
The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager.
The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped on him twice.
The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried,
"Mother of Mary, he's right! Farty-two!"
Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.
"It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
Frederick II, the eighteenth-century king of Prussia, fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion he is supposed to have interested himself in conditions in the Berlin prison and was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners. One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.
Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused.
"You," he called. "You there."
The prisoner looked up. "Yes, Your Majesty?"
"Why are you here?"
"Armed robbery, Your Majesty."
"And are you guilty?"
"Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my punishment."
At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, "Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it."