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Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 5 of 75

Joke#161

My grandfather took me to the fish pond on the farm when I was about seven, and he told me to throw a stone into the water. He told me to watch the circles created by the stone. Then he asked me to think of myself as that stone person.

"You may create lots of splashes in your life but the waves that come from those splashes will disturb the peace of all your fellow creatures," he said. "Remember that you are responsible for what you put in your circle and that circle will also touch many other circles. You will need to live in a way that allows the good that comes from your circle to send the peace of that goodness to others. The splash that comes from anger or jealousy will send those feelings to other circles. You are responsible for both."

That was the first time I realized each person creates the inner peace or discord that flows out into the world. We cannot create world peace if we are riddled with inner conflict, hatred, doubt, or anger. We radiate the feelings and thoughts that we hold inside, whether we speak them or not. Whatever is splashing around inside of us is spilling out into the world, creating beauty or discord with all other circles of life.

Remember the eternal wisdom: WHATEVER YOU FOCUS ON EXPANDS...

Joke#162

In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

Joke#163

Priscilla the pig of Houston, Texas rescued an 11-year-old boy from drowning. Priscilla spotted Anthony Melton swimming in Lake Somerville and noticed he was having trouble. She swam out to him, used her snout to keep his head above water until he could hold on to her collar, and then dragged him to shore.

Carletta the cow saved her owner, Bruno Cipriano of Tuscany in when she charged at a boar that was about to attack him and butted it with her horns.

Bracken the Collie saved his owner, Ian Elliot, when he was chopping down trees on his Canadian farm and a pine tree crashed on to him breaking his back. Bracken lay across him to maintain his body temperature. When Bracken heard voices in the distance, he ran to the men and led them back to his injured master.

A school of dolphins saved Adam Maguire when he was surfing near Sydney and was attacked by a shark. As the shark moved in for the kill it was distracted by a school of dolphins thrashing around in the water. To prevent the shark reaching Maguire, then dolphins then swam around him in circles until his friends had managed to rescue him.

Joke#164

The Priest had just finished hearing the man's confession and was considering the man's penitence.

"Are you sure you're going to try to set aside all sin?"

"Yes Father, I certainly am going to try." replied the man. "I here-by resolve to double my efforts."

"And you're going to attend Mass regularly my son?" the Priest went on.

"Yes Father, I realize I have strayed." said the man. "I shall both worship and confess every week."

"And how about your debts and those you have cheated?" inquired the Priest.

"Now just a minute Father." said the man. "Now you're talking business and not religion."

Joke#165

The bachelor finished his meal and placed his tip on the table as he finished his coffee. The waitress took one look at the three single pennies and said "Thank you for your generosity. You can always tell the character of a diner by the way he tips

"Oh, really," he said, "and what does that tell you about me?"

"Well you put the three pennies in a row," said the waitress, " That tells me you are tidy for starters. The first penny tells me you are frugal. The second penny tells me you are a bachelor."

"That's true," he said, "but what does the third penny tell you?"

"That tells me your father was a bachelor too."

Joke#166

Almost anywhere you look, possibly on your block, people are violating the rules of English grammar. They're doing it not only when they speak and write, but also, brazenly, on painted signs in front of their homes.

I'm referring to those common signs telling you which family lives in a particular house, such as "The Brown's" or "The Smith's." The correct way to do it would be "The Browns" or "The Smiths." Adding the apostrophe makes it possessive and emphasizes that they own the house.

But hey, they live there, don't they? Who else would own it? The boogeyman? The bank? (Whoops, I repeat myself.)

Source: THE DICTIONARY OF MISINFORMATION

Joke#167

Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow, when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.

"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.

"What are you doing up there?" she called back.

"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"

Joke#168

After the big Superbowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."

"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.

"What's the Four Play?" says Doug.

"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

Joke#169

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

Joke#170

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."

John said that he would prefer the floor.

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"

"I'm Baby, and who are you?"

"I'm stupid," he said.

Joke#171

Try some of these for Valentine's Day??? It's not to early to plan ahead. These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line..... but least romantic:

Love may be beautiful,
love may be bliss
but I only slept with you,
because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
sugar is sweet,
and so are you.

But the roses are wilting,
the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Joke#172

One of the selling points at my old store was my requirement that staff knew the names and preferences of regular customers. To this day, I have about 3000+ customer names and the comics they bought, games they played, or music they listened to filed away in my brain. The odd thing is that those are keyed memories - I must be physically in the store to retrieve those memories. If I run into that same customer at the mall or the library, I have little chance of remembering anything other than, "Hey, don't I know you?"

The reverse is also true. I had a guy drop by my store and begin chatting to me like we were old friends. I apologized and said, "I'm sure I know you, but my mind is playing tricks today. Who are you?"

He replied, "I'm your brother Peter, dumbass."

Joke#173

Why Women Rule

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on

Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong

Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john

Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill

I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score

I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a bitch

I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules

I don't read magazines about cars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's ok for me to cry

I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!

Joke#174

(1) How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unble to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper.

(2) How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

(3) A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater?

(4) Which would you rather have, a gallon jar full of nickels or a gallon jar half full of dimes?

(5) Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. All together, how many do they have?

(6) In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?

(7) If the Vice-President of the United States should die, who would be President?

(8) How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and -- without hitting a wall or any other obstruction -- have the ball stop and come right back to you?

(9) According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually committing the crime is not. What is the crime?

(10) Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters:

PNLLEEEESSSSS

(11) How many times can you subtract 2 from the numeral 9?

(12) If you take two apples from three apples, how many apples will you have?

(13) If you are standing on a hard floor, how can you drop an egg three feet without breaking the egg?

(Scroll down for the answers)

Joke#175

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Joke#176

ANSWERS:

(1) Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.

(2) There are twelve (not four).

(3) Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship!

(4) Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes!

(5) When they put them all together, there will be one pile.

(6) Horse racing.

(7) The President.

(8) Throw the ball straight up.

(9) Suicide.

(10) Sleeplessness.

(11) Just once. Then you'd be subtracting 2 from the numeral 7, then 2 from the numeral 5, and so forth.

(12) You will have two apples.

(13) Hold the egg more than three feet above the ground when you drop it.

Joke#177

Three blondes had just bought a can of Pepsi One and were anxious to try it for the first time.

So the first blonde opens the can, the second blonde pours it into three glasses.

The third blonde eyes the three glasses suspiciously and says "I wonder which one has the calorie?"

Joke#178

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."

Joke#179

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

Joke#180

Uncle Cecil, who runs The Straight Dope, http://www.straightdope.com is obviously also infected by the same kind of people whom you see me make fun of here on a regular basis. Cecil says these are some of the questions "he's looking into."

Dear Cecil:
I go camping a lot and sometimes people like to waste my matches by throwing them in the fire. Do you know if they have invented fire resistant matches? If so where can I find them?
--ISeeUOO

Dear Cecil:
In my personal and family development class (home ec) my teacher said that salt and pepper are married, so that's why they always have to stay by each other. If they are, then one has to be the husband and the other the wife. All of the people I've asked have agreed that the pepper would be the husband and the salt the wife. Well, what if the fork, knife, and spoon were a family. Which would be the dad, the mom, and the kid, and would the kid be a boy or a girl? Also, what if thunder, lightning, and rain were a family, how would that go?
--Molly Moxie

Dear Cecil:
Does any one group or individual, anywhere, own rain? Or claim to?
--Saqib R., Los Angeles

Dear Cecil:
What would happen if a giant alien came up and ate the sun, would it die? what would happen to us. Would it eat us too or would it be too full from the sun. Is there any nutritional value in the contents of the sun or any of the planets of the matter.
--D Guarna

Joke#181

"You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?" the judge asked.

"Yes, your honor."

The judge looked at the petition. "I can, ummm, see why, ummm, Mr. Leon. . . Shitferbrains, is it?"

"Yes, your honor, that's correct."

"And what do you want to change your name to, Mr., ummm, Shitferbrains?"

"Jim, your honor."

Joke#182

The 19 Laws Of Golf

The 1st Tee: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over he course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

The 2nd Dogleg: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

The 3rd Hole: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

The 4th Fairway: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should immediately be cut down.

The 5th Hole: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

The 6th Rough: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

The 7th Fairway: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

The 8th Tee: Palm trees eat golf balls.

The 9th Sand Bunker: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

The 10th Green: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

The 11th Water Hazard: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

The 12th Tee: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

The 13th Fairway: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see 3rd Hole)

The 14th Sand Bunker: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

The 15th Green: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

The 16th Tee: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

The 17th Fairway: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

The 18th Bunker: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

The 19th Hole: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

Joke#183

Amanpreet was at the county fair when he happened upon a fortune teller's tent. Thinking, "What the heck, it'll be good for a laugh or two," he dashed inside and sat down.

The fortune teller took his money, lowered the lights, and gazed into her crystal ball. "Ahhh," she said, "I see you are the father of two children!"

"Ha!" Lizard Pecker said, "That's what you think. I'm the father of THREE children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

Joke#184

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her 21 year old roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Joke#185

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

Joke#186

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Morris mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items....with a " thank you " note from the manufacturer.

"Vell, vatta ya t'ink?" asked his smiling wife, Ruth.

"I t'ink Next time," Morris replied. "I'm writing to General Motors."

Joke#187

Airplanes Versus Women

Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'

Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing.

Joke#188

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the slogan,

"Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The second one tries to improve on that with,

"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with,

"From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with,

"From the erection to the resurrection."

Joke#189

Premium Reader Brotha Ron was telling me the American Medical Association Researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients who need blood transfusions may benefit from receiving *chicken* blood rather than human blood.

No kidding.

You see, it seems to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Joke#190

A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.

Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said:

"I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."

Joke#191

A window salesman telephoned his blonde customer.

"Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven't received a single payment."

"But,", the blonde protested, "You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months....."

Joke#192

Saw this blonde one time in a bar sitting all alone. We had each had three drinks, and I had always thought that men had a much higher tolerance for alcohol than women. I waited until I caught her eye, then asked, "How many drinks does it take to make you dizzy?"

She frowned, gave me quite the dirty look, and said, "Oh, usually about four or five...and...Don't call me 'dizzy'!!!"

Joke#193

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said,

"Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

Joke#194

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

Joke#195

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"That's really odd," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."

Joke#196

My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room to be sure she had tidied it up.

"You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.

"No, Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."

Joke#197

DEFINITIONS ACCORDING TO GENDER

1: THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. Female: Any part under a car's hood.
b. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. Male: Playing football without a jockstrap.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
a. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
b. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
b. male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run or goal. Also good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 minutes.

Joke#198

Mornin', Doctor Kildare,

Dear Sir,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous, and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the 'Rhythm Method'. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha.

A doctor suggested using the 'Safe Period'. At the time we were living with in-laws and had to wait for 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It's hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with clear skin, silky hair and felt very healthy, and my wife was pregnant.

Another old wives' tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding, including my earlier attempts, if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the 'Sheath'. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't really surprise me as I fail to see how a Trojan stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed, can prevent babies.

She was supplied with the 'Coil' and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realized we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.

The 'Dutch Cap' came next; we were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all, but alas it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the 'Pill.' At first it kept falling out, then we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her; this did work for a while until the night she forgot the Pill.

You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful, I will have to revert to oral sex, although just talking about it can never substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Joke#199

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

Joke#200

Have you heard Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Luella, had been arrested. You remember Lorena Bobbitt, don' t you? She's the one who hacked off her husband John's dick while he slept. Then she took the pecker, put it in her purse, got into her car, and hit the highway. She then withdrew the member and tossed it at out the window.

Ouch.

Anyway, her sister's been arrested for the EXACT same thing! Well, not the exact thing. More like attempted. She missed "the target," so to speak, and stabbed her hubby in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. Hubby's recovering in stable condition.

The police came, took all the statements and, well, they've charged Luella with a "mis de weiner."