Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 3 of 75
I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.
She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.
When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
At the Checkout counter of the discount department store where I was a cashier, customers frequently asked me under what circumstances items were returnable. One woman who came through my line must have been aware of store policy.
She pointed to the lacy red-and-black negligee she was about to purchase. "May I bring this back if it doesn't work?" she asked.
You know you’re old
When your mind and body aren’t what they used to be.
Did the fine print shrink? (This is called bifocals denial.)
Do your knees buckle, but your belt won't?
Have your beauty marks sprouted hair?
Does the gleam in your eyes comes from the sun hitting your bifocals?
Do your joints sound like Rice Crispies ... snap, crackle, pop?
Does your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.?
Have you been driving along thinking about stuff, and suddenly realized that you don’t remember the last 3 blocks?
Has a fortune-teller offered to read your face?
Does your pacemaker make the garage door go up when you watch a cute guy/gal go by?
Is the little gray haired person who helps you across the street, your spouse?
Do you have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet?
Have you sunk your teeth into a steak and had them stay there?
Have you quit pulling out your gray hairs, because you could end up bald?
Does your back/knee go out more than you do?
The best way to sell yourself to others is first to sell the others to yourself. Check yourself against this list of obstacles to a pleasing personality: interrupting others; sarcasm; vanity; being a poor listener; insincere flattery; finding fault; challenging others without good cause; giving unsolicited advice; complaining; attitude of superiority; envy of others' success; poor posture and dress.
A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it.
The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim."
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while en route to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.
The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"
The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"
The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."
On a balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship spied smoke coming from one of three huts on an island they thought was deserted. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a "survivor." He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The captain of the ship replied, "But we saw THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. Well, I live in one, and go to church in another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."
NEWFOUNDLAND USED CAR FOR SALE:
a.. 1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
b.. Only 15 km
c.. Only first gear and reverse used
d.. Used only in Newfoundland
e.. Never driven hard
f.. Original tires
g.. Original brakes
h.. Original fuel and oil
i.. Only 1 driver
j.. Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off k.. See photo
John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"
To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."
"Really?" he said excitedly.
"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'."
John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."
FOR SALE
Nine white reindeer. Male. Range in age from 5-13 years. TB and brucellosis tested; current on all vaccinations, vet-checked and come with health certificates and guarantee of flight. Lead deer has dermatological condition which is chronic, but doesn't seem to affect pulling ability or visual accuracy. One owner. $2,000.00 apiece/ first $17,000 takes all. Tired of the cold weather and moving to Phoenix.
Please contact: Mr. S. Claus, [email protected]
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
“Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”
Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”
Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”
”Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained.
“And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.
“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.
''It's a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.
“And what are you gettin' at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.
“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?”
7 Reasons to Crawl Under a Rock
1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" - Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
2. PAD PLEASE.......... An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6- year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. - Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC
3. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! -Name Withheld
4. LADY GOLFER................ I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. - Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
6. PRICELESS.............A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear," PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
7. MOM'S ADVICE......... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
When our company was selling top-of-the-line business computers, our advertising team proposed sponsorship of a major golf tournament on television. Surprised when approval came through quickly, I asked the head of the ad team how he had persuaded our usually reluctant chairman of the board.
"It sold itself," the ad-man told me. "When the chairman first heard the idea, he asked, 'Why on earth would you want to sponsor a golf tournament? The only ones who watch them are people like me.'"
"Then he paused and said, 'Oh.'"
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to continue for the next 10 minutes.
A few days after Christmas, my six year son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"
"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.
He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"
After getting creamed terribly, I had honestly put forth a pretty sad performance in a mixed doubles match. All of us walked to a near-by umbrella table and sat down.
I was seeking a way to save face. So far, no one had said a word.
I took a sip of my drink and made an initial effort to lighten the moment saying, "Funny game... Tennis."
My partner, more than a little put off by my poor playing, said sourly, "It isn't meant to be!"
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.
The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
An engineer dies and reports to Heaven. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Soon dissatisfied with his surroundings, he designs and builds improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.
One day God calls Satan and asks with a sneer, "So how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! Send him up here or I'll sue!"
Satan laughs and answers, "And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Salary Increase Request
The Request:
I, The penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I work head first
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from the Administration:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your raise request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do no stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe health and safety measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
You don't wait till pension age before retiring
You don't like working double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra. That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.
Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.
A man from Wisconsin, the owner of one of the largest cheese factories in the state o' cheese, passes away quite suddenly. In his will, it stated that he was to be buried with 5 pounds of each type of cheese; hard, sharp, mild, soft, and so on.
As the pallbearers were taking the casket out of the church, the package of limburger burst open in the coffin, and when they smelled the stench, they dropped their load on the steps, causing it to skip down the steps and into the street.
The undertaker ran out of the church and screamed at the men, "What in God's name are you doing?"
"Hell," said the lead pallbearer, "if he could cut one like that, he sure as hell can walk."
To my darling Husband,
I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with her on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am also doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last Spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring meals to your desk, - just the way you like it. I hope you and the PC have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love, Mary (Your Wife)
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is Chinese take-out.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"
Judi and Monika were chatting over coffee. Judi said, "Ya know, here lately, I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I put cream or sugar or both in it, I get this horrible stabbing pain in one eye."
With that, she took a drink of her coffee. "OWWW! Damn! See! There it goes again," she said.
Monika said, "Judi, take the spoon out of the cup."
I know my company has made an effort to be family friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday announcement posted on the bulletin board:
"All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a Halloween costume party, and I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf. But he says, "Not big enough!"
So she brings out a bigger one. "Still not big enough!"
So he brings out a HUGE fig leaf. "Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.
So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!
But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.
What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!!
So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.
And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ...
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"
A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.
The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"
She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"
A MAGAZINE RECENTLY RAN A "DILBERT QUOTES" CONTEST. IT SOUGHT PEOPLE TO SUBMIT QUOTES FROM THEIR BUSINESS SITUATIONS. HERE ARE THE TOP TEN FINALISTS:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)
2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. A member of my immediate family passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top.
An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style.
He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to say about that, too!"
"Yes dear," she said, "you did. . . you asked me for my phone number!"
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
The other day I saw this story about chickens in a magazine.
Did you know they have yellow eyes? True. And now some clever person has come up with an idea to fit the chickens with red contact lenses. I know, I know, it sounds weird, but the guy who came up with the idea said it makes them eat less, lay more, and stop hen pecking so much.
Of course, once word of this gets around, rose colored glasses are going to be the hottest Christmas gift from husbands to wives.
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time. So the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "What is this?" he asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 9:00 a.m. or the 10:30 a.m. service????"
A favorite restaurant of ours has a simple way of advertising its hours. During the day, the window sports large letters spelling "Open."
After hours, the "N" is moved forward to spell "Nope."
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."
The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!