Jokes

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

My ex-husband and I fought constantly,
Why I married him, I'll never know.
For all those miserable years I said
My hubby has got to go!

Tried poisoning cakes,
stripping his brakes,
Salting his pork chops with lime.
Wiring his chair, igniting his hair
Even though playing with fire is a crime.

But I failed at each plot
'til I suddenly thought
Of a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good and, know what?
They couldn't do a thing to me!

I took him back to Wal-Mart!

They'll take anything back you know!
They said they couldn't recall selling him,
But they must have if I said so.
They just credited him to my Visa and said,
"Y'all come back now, 'ya hear?"

They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
I'll take back his mother next year!

They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart,

Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
And know what else? This time of year
You don't even need a receipt!

Molly was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.

"Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests."

To Morris the boy, he said "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind."

The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words without any split infinitives ?"

The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So. . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was preventing her from getting e-mail.

After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus.

"It's a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I said.

"What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The Let's Just Be Friends virus?"

Some people are pessimists,
they think the glass is half empty.
Some people are optimists,
they think the glass is half full.
I am a realist,
I know that sooner or later,
I am going to have
to wash that damned thing!

Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."

Taking advantage or a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young. We invented them."

The Food and Drug Administration has just approved a new treatment for the removal of sags and wrinkles in rear ends.

It's an injectible medicine called "butox".

(The International Save the Pun Foundation)

We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.

One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.

I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."

A row of bottles on my shelf
caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I hope to pop
goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take,
goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot,
tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain,
and tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to sneeze,
or cough, or choke or even wheeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all,
go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones so big and bright,
stop my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills,
helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know,
is what tells each one where to go?

At the end of a long day of driving, we encountered roadwork. We were unsure which lane to use, and the flagman was no help; his signal light went up, down, across, and back again.

"What do you think he wants us to do?' my husband asked.

We proceeded cautiously and finally drew abreast of the flagman who, we realized, was frantically warding off mosquitoes.

BOOK TITLES
Come on In! by Doris Open
The German Bank Robbery by Hans Zupp
I Hate the Sun by Gladys Knight
Prison Security by Barb Dweyer
Irish First Aid by R.U. O'Kaye
My Career As a Clown by Abe Ozo
I Didn't Do It! by Ivan Alibi
Why I Eat at McDonalds by Tommy Ayk
I Hit the Wall by Isadore There
The Bruce Lee Story by Marsha Larts
Take This Job and Shove It by Ike Witt
Rapunzel Rapunzel by Harris Long
Split Personalities by Jacqueline Hyde
How I Won the Marathon by Randy Hoelway"

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

In Syracuse, N.Y., Federal Express no longer has any competition. But not the package-delivery system, where there are formidable rivals such as United Parcel Service. No, we're talking about copyright infringement.

It seems FedEx has triumphed in its three-year battle against a local coffee shop. First, the shop called itself Federal Espresso. Agreeing to a change, the owners then came up with Ex-Federal Expresso. The shipping giant still wasn't amused.

Now the two have reached a settlement, and the java business has adopted the name Freedom of Espresso.

I was sitting in the foyer of a bank when a young man walked by and then stopped for a moment on his way out. I noticed that one of the latches on his overstuffed briefcase was unfastened, putting strain on the remaining latch.

"You're going to lose the contents of your briefcase," I warned him.

Just then the case burst open. He stared at me with something akin to fear in his eyes as he gasped, "How on earth did you do that?"

The math teacher posed this problem, "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One fifth is to go to his wife, one fifth is to go to his son, one sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

The savvy student answered, "A lawyer!"

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a Father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.

The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."

"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building.

There was a good reason for the move.

You can't post "Thou Shalt Not Steal" in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to have a freeze plug replaced, a job that took two days.

Then I discovered that the battery was dead, and the starter was shot, so I fixed those too.

Days later, I proudly handed the woman her keys saying, "Now your car is good for many more miles."

"Thanks," she said. "All I care is that it runs long enough to make it to the dealer. I'm trading it in tomorrow."

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happywill you let me be yours?

Jane

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,
Jane

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?

The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.

(Groan......)

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture.

The Amish man said, "No, no you can not."

"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the gruff worker.

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show him your paper!"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion: "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?"

"No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?"

"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk asks if the guy is Polish.

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I had asked for a chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."

With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then! Why did you ask me if I'm Polish, just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting.

On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship.

The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night. One morning I noticed he had left a not to himself on the kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!" As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.

The next morning I found the same note. "STAMPS!" was crossed out. Underneath it he had written,

"ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."

"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.

"Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.

The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."

Be free and open and breezy!

Enjoy!

Things won't get any better so get used to it.

Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

Yes, I replied, that was a good analogy.

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

Why Are Fire Trucks Red?

Everyone knows that fire engines have 4 wheels and 8 men. 4 and 8 make 12.

There are twelve inches in a foot. A foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth, a ruler, is the name of one of the largest ships on the seas.

Seas have fish and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians and Russians are red. . .

and fire trucks are always rushin' therefore, fire trucks are red!

Google Copernicus Center is hiring

Google is interviewing candidates for engineering positions at our lunar hosting and research center, opening late in the spring of 2007. This unique opportunity is available only to highly-qualified individuals who are willing to relocate for an extended period of time, are in top physical condition and are capable of surviving with limited access to such modern conveniences as soy low-fat lattes, The Sopranos and a steady supply of oxygen.

The Google Copernicus Hosting Environment and Experiment in Search Engineering (G.C.H.E.E.S.E.) is a fully integrated research, development and technology facility at which Google will be conducting experiments in entropized information filtering, high-density high-delivery hosting (HiDeHiDeHo) and de-oxygenated cubicle dwelling. This center will provide a unique platform from which Google will leapfrog current terrestrial-based technologies and bring information access to new heights of utility.

My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced, "I'm going left."

Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George should invest only small sums. But George threw caution to the winds and six months later sent an email to Jim,

"So much for your darn "pointers! Now send me some "retrievers!"