Jokes

There is a full-length mirror in the police station's weight room, where some officers spend hours flexing their muscles.

One day a prankster posted this sign: "Caution: Objects in this mirror may actually be smaller than they appear."

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. They went to court, where he was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means I cain't call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cain't call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

A man walks in to a doctors office with a frog on his head. The doctor leaps up and says:

"Good grief, how on earth did you get that great ugly thing!"

The frog looks down and replies:

"I dunno Doc, it started out as a little wart on my bottom!"

A golfer swung his club and hooked the shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car.

The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, whereupon it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars.

Racing over to the crash scene, he was relieved to find that no one was hurt.

"Have you any idea what this is going to cost?" the angry driver demanded.

The golfer hung his head. "Four strokes", he replied.

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!""What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.

"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

Dear Friend,

This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just bundle up your husband and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add your name to the bottom of the list and send a copy of this to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 3,325 men. . . and some of them are bound to be better than the one you gave up!

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!!! One woman did, and received her own jerk back!

At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men; they buried her yesterday, but it took four undertakers36 hours to get the smile off of her face.

We're counting on you,
A. Satisfied Woman

Scientists at the California Institute of Technology's Infrared Processing and Analysis Center study data from outer space transmitted by our satellites. They also relax and get exercise by playing on a softball team.

The name of their team? The Infrared Sox.

The students in my third grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.

"Does the hole go all the way through?"

"Yes."

"Did it hurt?"

"Just a little."

"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"

"No, they used a special gun."

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out,

"How far away did they stand?"

It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lily pad, when all of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the fly, and started laughing hysterically. Soon the other frog joined in the laughter.

Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure (if it's possible for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten.

A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third frog. The second frog explained:

"Time's fun when you're having flies."

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Brabant will be setting the pace on our morning run.' With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Brabant was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:

"Now for the bad news.

Private Brabant will be driving a truck."

During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted famous doctor was asked by a reporter:

"Tell me, Doctor, did you ever make any really serious mistakes in your career?"

"Yes, I did," came the doctor's reply with a heavy sigh. "I once cured a millionaire in three visits."

You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...

- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.
- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
- Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.
- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!

Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a little too far. He begins to get up to race to her rescue when the other lifeguard grabs his arm and holds him back.

The first lifeguard says,"Why are you holding me back? We have to go save that woman!" To which the other replies, "Don't worry. That woman is my mother-in-law."

"Are you trying to kill her?"

"Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent. Just watch."

With that, the sharks organize themselves beneath the woman, and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her.

"What in the world gave you the notion that would happen," asked the first lifeguard.

"Professional courtesy."

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO....," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore,"
she announced with finality.

"I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us."

"Why not?" asked her astonished mother.

"Because," said the little girl, "that Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."

Since when did those little bitty germs that invade your body learn how to tell time?

I got sick Saturday night. After telling my sister the symptoms she said that it was either the 12 hour stomach virus, 24 hour stomach virus or 48 hour stomach virus.

Why 12, 24 or 48 hours? Why not the 8 hour stomach bug?

That way, I can call in sick and get better as soon as 5:00 PM rolls around.

I wonder if there are 14-1/2 hours stomach viruses?

Well whatever...I am feeling much better now. Turns out I had the 12 hour kind.

A man is on his first parachute jump. He jumps out of the plane and counts, "1 2 3," and pulls the main cord.

Nothing happens.

He pulls on his emergency cord, again nothing happens.

Looking around desperately the man notices another man flying UP intothe air. He hollers to him, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"

"No!" he replies. "Do you know anything about gas furnaces?"

I called my mother from the apartment. When she answered the phone, I could hear a noise behind her that sounded like a jet plane taking off. I asked, "Mother, what's that horrible noise?"

She replied, "It's the dishwasher. Your father fixed it."

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.

Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue.

Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows who had been rivals all their lives followed different career paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, the other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop.

As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the Airport.

The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly, "Oh SkyCap, from what pier is the flight to Dallas leaving?"

The Admiral approached, bowed, and said "Pier 7 Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition ?"

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place".

But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time down there as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here."

The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK".

St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.".

The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible...I'm only 65 years old!".

St. Peter said,"We go by billing hours".

Bill's barn burned down and his wife, Lynn, called the insurance company.

Lynn spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Lynn replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

A story concerns itself with a wholesaler in New York who sent a letter to the postmaster of a small mid-western town.

He asked for the name of a honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler's goods. He got this reply:

"Dear Sir:

I am the postmaster of this village and received your letter.

I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the merchant had refused to pay.

And if I were not, for the time being, substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what I thought of your claim."

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible forreturning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged toone of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in awaiting area.

"Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes youranesthesiologist."

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.

One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose.

A neighbor watched the scene with amusement.

"Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

A very nervous bride went to the minister and told him that she did not think that she would be able to get through the wedding ceremony. The minister, trying to calm her down, told her that she really had nothing to worry about.

"You only have three things to do. Walk down the aisle, stand at the altar and say 'I do' when I ask you the question and then listen for the hymn that closes the ceremony. That's all there is to it."

The nervous bride took the minister's advice and shortened it to a simple mantra that she kept repeating over and over to keep herself calm.

What her groom heard as his bride walked down the aisle was her repeating "Aisle, Altar, Hymn". (I'll alter him.)

The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal." The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. "Okay boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"

"I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy.

"Very good Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"

"That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy.

"Right again. And what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, children...it's something your mother calls your father."

"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It's a Nincompoop!"

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was that worth the trouble you're in?"

This is why we trail so many countries in math...I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news.

Then, turning to me, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

MOTHER had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"

I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.

"Wow, Steve," she gushed, "you're an expert."

Gloating, feeling like the king that I am, but.... trying not to seem egotistical, I responded. . . "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"

She looked puzzled and I then wondered if I'd misunderstood her. So I asked, "What did you just say, Jen?"

She replied. . . "I said, your neck's burnt!"