Jokes

How do you stop a thief? This was the question that vexed my brother in law, a rugged Marine.

Every morning he picked up coffee from Starbucks, and every morning that cup of coffee mysteriously disappeared from his desk.

Although he never caught the bandit, he did resolve the matter.

One morning, when all personnel were gathered for a staff meeting, he popped out the partial plate from his mouth and swished it around in his coffee before placing it back into his mouth.

His coffee was never stolen again!

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut.
Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.

"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.

Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

I was driving home from work when, out of nowhere, a bird slammed into my windshield.

The poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper, so I tried to get it loose by turning on the switch. On the first upswing of the wiper, the bird flew off, slamming into the windshield of the police car behind me.

Immediately, the cop pulled me over. He walked up and told me he saw what happened. "I'm going to have to write you up," he said, "for flipping me the bird."

Kevin is very attentive when he goes out on a date, he took a lady out to see "The Sixth Sense, he was overheard to say:

Kevin in movie: "Can you see, dear?
Date: "Yes"
Kevin: "Is your seat comfortable ?"
Date: "Yes"
Kevin: "Is there a draft on you ?"
Date: "No"
Kevin: "Good! Let's change seats."

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.
Little Johnny, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked Johnny

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," Johnny advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant.

When the waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.

"As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory??"

I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."

The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"

"Yes I do," she replied.

"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.

Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly,

"Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are now cleared for takeoff."

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

Forget calling them "Veal Parmigiana" or "Turkey Loaf" or "Beef Pot Pie."

If you look in my freezer you'll see "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," and, my favorite, "Food."

That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I'm certain to have what he wants."

My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.

"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"

"No," he replied, "it's parked at the wrong address."

An old couple was just settling in to bed one night when the phone rang.

The husband got out of bed and went into the living room to answer the phone. His wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said, "Sure is." Then he hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" and then he said, "Sure is." And again he hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

The wife asked who it was.

The man said he didn't know.

The wife then asked, "Well, what did the person say?"

He said, "It's odd, a woman just keeps saying, 'Long distance from Chicago..'"

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies.

One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."

"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."

"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:

"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna.

Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him "I have some very bad news for you ...

.. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."

So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"

"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.

"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"

"Probably not.... But at least you'll get used to being

Rushing to a bridge tournament, I was pulled over for going 43 in a 35 M.P.H. zone.

"What'll I tell my husband?" I worried, explaining to the police officer that he was a self-described "perfect" driver.

The cop took a second look at the name and address on my license.

"Did your husband go duck hunting this morning?"

"Yes," I said, baffled as to how he knew.

The officer finished with, "I stopped him for going 47."

Murphy's Laws for Parents

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Marge?" she asked.

Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."

Surprised, the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant!"

"I'm not," the harried young woman replied, "I'm just sick of mornings."

One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife decided to have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen. Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs.

She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps. She realized at once that it was the milkman since the arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen. So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made it just in time.

The footsteps grew louder and the door opened. It was the man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter.

For a moment she was speechless. Then she said, "Sorry, I was expecting the milkman."

While in the Navy my primary duty was to sight guns. Wanting to move up in the military, I went to law school and applied for the Judge Advocate General's Corps. My hopes of being a Navy lawyer were shot down, however, when I was rejected. It seems I suffered from poor vision.

My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me. But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything in the store for men?"

"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men."

No doubt about it, the new temp didn't have a clue about computers. Since part of her job was directing calls to our technical support department, I gave her simple instructions: "When people call with computer problems, always ask which operating system they're using-Windows, Macintosh or UNIX."

Later, she handed a technician this phone message... "Call immediately. Customer has problem with eunuchs."

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.

At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

"I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

The bride-to-be was advised by the marriage counselor to never completely disrobe in front of her husband when retiring, for decorum's sake. One night, six weeks after the wedding, the husband said to his bride, "Is there any insanity in your family?"

"Why, no," she said. "Why do you ask?"

"I was merely wondering," said he, "why you haven't taken your hat off since we've been married?"

After many years of faithful duty with the US Forest Service, their beloved fire prevention mascot was unceremoniously "retired." Still in the prime of his life and bearing one of the world's most recognizable faces, he quickly found work as a spokesman for the world's leading exporter of diamonds.

He's now working as "Smokey DeBeers."

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
The right way to spell POTATO shoud be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said "low bridge ahead."

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge.

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said,

"Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver said, "No officer,... I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!"

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered the door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had two 25 pound king crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest celebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to sing louder and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing that the Sheriff's men might hear the band celebrate, dragged the friar into the woods and threw him in the river...but Tuck climbed out and continued singing without missing a note.

The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water, but you cannot make him hoarse.

Planning a weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, Including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I have been promising to take to lunch asked If we could make it that Friday.

So, hopping into the car, I taped my list to the dash-board and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car her face dropped.

"Thanks a lot!" she sulked.

Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item:

"Take out the Turkey."

Six Kinds of Sex

1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen on the table, etc.

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex by some.

5. There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

6. There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get some once a month but it's not enough to live on...

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is goose, but two are called geese.
Yet the plural of moose, should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest of mice.
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot, and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose.

When we say brother, we say brethren.
But though we may say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis, and shim.

So, English I fancy you will agree

Is the craziest language that you ever did see.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"