Jokes

THINGS MOMS WOULD NEVER SAY

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."

As I approached the church entrance a friend stepped aside and held the door for me.

"Thank you, Bill," I said as I walked through.

"Is there a tip involved?"

"Oh, no, Mary Catherine," he answered. "My mother taught me never to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing."

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs.

My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.

"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.

"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"

"Autumn," he replied.

My son had just turned 14 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.

"Son, do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.

He nodded but cut me off.

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence. On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?"

"Gee, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!"

I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.

"Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.

As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father, what's that?"

Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

I was driving down a lonely Colorado country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just fine.

What! You've never heard of... wind-chilled vipers??

This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.

"What the heck are you?" asks the host.

"I'm a snail" says the guy.

"But... you have a girl on your back" replies the host.

"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle!"

At my friends' wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He turned to his bride's mother. "You've given me a gift," he began, "a gift that..."

Here he paused in thought, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence, "That you can't return!"

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"

Noah was standing at the gangplank checking off the pairs of animals when he saw three camels trying to get on board.

"Wait a minute!" he said. "Two each is the limit. One of you will have to stay behind."

"It won't be me," said the first camel. "I'm the camel whose back is broken by the last straw."

"I'm the one people swallow while straining at a gnat," said the second.

"And I am the one that shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter heaven." said the third.

"Well, I guess you had better all come in," said Noah, "the world is going to need all of you."

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

A man and an attractive woman were having a candlelit dinner at a fine restaurant when the waiter noticed the man slowly sliding out of his chair and under the table. The woman seemed not to notice as her companion disappeared out of sight.

"Pardon me, ma'am," the waiter said, "but I think your husband is under the table."

"No, he isn't," the woman said, eyeing the waiter calmly. "My husband just walked through the door."

Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.

At the prestigious university I attend, there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.

"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"

"Well," mused the unperturbed young man... "first they saluted, then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a base- ball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera. Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.

Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers? "

Bartender says no.

Duck walks out.

Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" bar tender says no.

Duck walks out.

Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?

Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!"

Duck walks out.

Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bartender says no.

Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.

"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."

The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Michigan fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Michigan fans too.

Not really knowing what a Michigan fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. A little girl named Jane has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Michigan fan" she reports. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Ohio State Buckeye Fan" the girl said!

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Jane why she is an Ohio State Fan?

"Well, my Dad and Mom are Buckeye fans, so I'm a Buckeye fan, too," she responds. The teacher is angry now. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Jane smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Michigan fan."

Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Geek!

-Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
-Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
-When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
-Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
-Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
-Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
-Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
-Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
-Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President."
-You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

The young ladies were taking their final vows to become nuns at the Mass. The presiding bishop noticed two rabbis seated at the back of the sanctuary. They'd insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle.

The bishop was curious why they'd come, but didn't have time to ask. He went ahead and started the ceremony. Later, when it was time for announcements, the bishop went back to where the rabbis sat.

"I'm delighted to see you both here and thank you for coming. But I'm a little curious as to why you're present on this occasion where these young women are becoming 'Brides of Christ'."

The more senior of the rabbis smiled, rose to his feet, and explained, "We're 'Family of the Groom'."

Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general.

One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started "venting." "All lawyers are jerks," he loudly proclaimed.

Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him.

"Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."

"Why is that-are you a lawyer?" he asked.

"No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"

The Jackson police were searching for a man they suspected of a string of burglaries. They had six photographs of the man, all taken in different locations and from different angles. They sent fax copies of these pictures to police departments all over the country.

Several days later, Jackson received a fax report from the police chief in a small town in West Virginia. The memo read, "We immediately went to work on those six pictures you sent. We've arrested five of the suspects, and we have the sixth under observation right now."

Seated next to a self inflated egotist at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries. The jerk, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?"

The Oriental fellow nodded his head.

"You like steakee?"

The Oriental nodded again.

As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50 minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.

He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?

Since spaghetti is now 'pasta' and a TV set is a 'home entertainment system,' the manager of my grocery store did his best to jazz up the lowly egg.

He still has some work to do. A sign he put up in the dairy section advertised "Boneless Chicken."

I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"

Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."

Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Performance Review Terms, Part 1
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Made no major blunders - yet.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks a lot.

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Spouse drinks, too.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the cops.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.

CAREFUL THINKER:
Won't make a decision.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT:
Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.

FORCEFUL:
Argumentative.

AGGRESSIVE:
Obnoxious.

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS:
Gets someone else to do it.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

Mommy bear and Daddy bear were in divorce court.

The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"

"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me."

"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.

"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."

"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"

Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"