Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 52 of 75
A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them missed their old home. That December, when they went to pick up their first-grade son from school, his teacher told them about a conversation she overheard.
One boy said, "We're Catholic, and we are going to Christmas Mass."
"Were Jewish," said another child. "And we're going to have a Hanukkah celebration.
"Madison chimed in, "We're Texans, and were going to have a barbecue."
John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat.
As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?
"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away.
The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked:
"Father, that is the most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
Irish Smiles
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
--------------------------------------------------------- Mrs.
Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' up at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life, and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink has killed millions--it rots their stomachs and they die in agony. Smoking has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions.."
" 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?
Dear Darling Son (and That Person You Married),
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come.
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom
There once was an American Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
And the moral of this story is "you can't kill two birds with one stone."
A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!"
Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!"
Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"
The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"
The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "You think YOU'RE lost!"
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'
Worried about his weight, my friend Arthur consulted his doctor.
"What is the least you have ever weighed?" asked the doctor.
"Seven pounds, six ounces," Arthur replied.
A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway, when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.
The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed.
As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.
"Yep," he replied, "beep repaired!"
Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumpedinto the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a USCongressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
LOVE STORY
I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...
I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU...
I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN.
I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY... BEG FOR ME TO STOP.
I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU.
AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.
ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"
Little Johnny was reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book.
"Miss Howell?" Little Johnny asked his first grade teacher, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?"
"No Johnny," sighed the teacher. "But it should."
Top Nine reasons the 80's were a cooler time to grow up than the 90's:
9) MTV actually played videos in the 80's.
8) There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (White with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125.
7) A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.
6) In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.
5) In the 80's, when you were out with friends, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell.
4) New Kids on the Block vs. Hanson. OK, that one's a draw.
3) In the early 80's there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol legally.
2) Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.
1) In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.
Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.
So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.
At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side.
"Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"
"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up & run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, & an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.
"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock."
"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOODNESS! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOODNESS! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! "
The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
I was carpooling with my friend Craig, he noticed that the "Check oil" light was on. He pulled into the gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, checked the engine oil, closed the hood, then got back into the car.
"Can we make a quick stop?" He asked.
"Sure," I replied, "what did you need to do?"
"I need to stop by the auto parts place to get a longer dipstick?"
"What do you need a longer one for?" I enquired.
"Because the one I got isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
A woman's guide to understanding men...
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy."
I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Ach, it were nothin', said McQuillan, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
Abraham was reading an article out loud to his wife. "Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?"
Sadie replies, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice."
Abraham turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"
For years my husband denied he was an aggressive driver.
That changed one day when we were out for a drive with our three-year old son, Matthew.
Seeing a teaching opportunity, I asked Matthew about traffic lights. "What does a red light mean?" I asked.
"Stop."
"Good. How about green?"
"Go."
"And yellow?" I continued.
In his best deep-voice impression of Daddy, Matthew bellowed.... "Hang on!"
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.
They were the first roller coasters. Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.
They called them ferrous wheels.
A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card.
The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"
The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers 'both' events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday..."
Sally had lived a good life, having been married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates.
The angel at the gates said to her, "I see that you first of all married a banker, then an actor, next a pastor and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem appropriate for a Christian woman."
"Oh yes it is," Sally replied. "It's one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go."
We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughterwas scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you your cell phone."
AN EXTERMINATING COMPANY was giving free termite inspections, and my dad phoned for an appointment. After the inspector checked out our house, he said to Dad, "You don't have any termites right now, but there's a bunch of 'em in that firewood out back. When they've eaten their way through it, I guarantee they'll head for your house."
Dad was silent for a moment. Then, in his slow drawl, he replied, "Well, from the prices you quoted, I figure it would be cheaper for me just to buy the termites another cord of wood."
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.
"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."
At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.
"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."
I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter.
When I asked if he had gotten any flies he answered, "Yeah, 5 .... 3 males and 2 females."
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.
He answered, "It's easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know."
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about.
This guy probably calls up 900 #'s for $2.95. per minute says "I'm not in the mood."
A friend and I were standing inside a building of a local theme park. We were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day.
The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4'10", 90 lbs.) and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.
My friend joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.
The lady looked at my friend and lisped, "You mean, ... now I weigh me down to sweep?"