Jokes

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit.

One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

BUT a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

So I did.

I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married.

I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Two sisters spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans - no matter where they went, they were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate them.

One day, in Paris, one sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was looking through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.

The sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her. Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.

As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read "Dry Cleaners".

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?"

"Yes sir. They're called darts."

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king.

"I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

Looking up websites on infertility, I found an address that sounded interesting. I clicked on the link and was taken to a site that said, "This page is still under construction."

I looked closer and saw in smaller print: "Check back in nine months and see what we've accomplished."

I book marked the address and went back several months later. Posted was a full-page picture of a beautiful seven-pound, four-ounce baby girl.

Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man answers, "241."

"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The lady answers, "144."

"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"

The farmer stood in his chicken yard watching hundreds of baby chicks running here and there. He kept pointing to them and trying to count them. "One, two, three, four, five, six,... oh, no..."

Then he would start over, "one, two, three, four, and,... oh, no."

Then he'd start over again.

Finally he said, "I give up. They say don't count your chickens before they hatch but it sure is easier to do that than it is to count them after they hatch."

Psychological Test

It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her mother, she met a man whom she did not know. She thought he was amazing, her dream guy, and she fell in love with him but never asked for his number and could not find him after the funeral.

A few days later the girl killed her sister.

Question:
What was her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you scroll down

Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the sister's funeral.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test that a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took this test and answered it correctly.

If you didn't answer correctly, good for you.

If you DID answer correctly, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

For Sale:

Apple iPod
15 GB model, lightly used
167 songs loaded
The RIAA says it's worth about $25 million.
I'll let it go for $5 million, plus shipping.

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."

Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side of which came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing...I know my Master is there and that is enough."

Technology

Technology is dominated by two types of people:

Those who understand what they do not manage.

Those who manage what they do not understand.

A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.

The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

Notre Dame travels to California to play Southern California.

When they arrive the coach says to the Notre Dame coach, "I hear you travel with a Priest, that's amazing. May I meet him?"

"Which one?" replied the Notre Dame coach, "Offense, Defense, or Special Teams?"

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

"I'll tell you why," scolded Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Little Bobbie had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend? An Anniversary, or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"

Little Bobbie shook his head and answered, "Nope. Got any blank report cards?"

A little old Lady from Tampa, called the Police some time in Mid Sept, and reported that one of her Lawn ornaments,( A painted Cement Duck), was stolen from her lawn. Rather Distressed, she felt that she had to make the report, to have it known that there are thieving Vandals in the area.

Police noted the report, and let it slide.

Two weeks later, the Lady received a letter in the mail, written in the standard ransom note format, cut out letters, etc. But enclosed in the Letter were several Pictures.... of her Lawn ornament. The Cement Duck was dressed in a Lei (Hawaiian Flower necklace type) with sunglasses and a Alcoholic Beverage. It was poised on a beach, with towels, and sunscreen, right near a sign that stated Wai-ki-ki beach.

The ransom note, not really a ransom note at all, Read:

Having a good time, wish you were here.

"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But how's his scholastic work?"

"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.

"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.

"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked.

A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read:

"Don't Waste FoodFood will win the war."

Beneath someone had written:

"That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat it?"

Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered the laws of gravity, but here's a parallel set of laws that govern moms and dads.

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a pre-schooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year-unless it is the only food in the fridge.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

To Err Is Human
To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine.
To err is human, to purr feline.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to do nothing, benign.
To err is human, to quit, resign.
To err is human, to howl about it, lupine.
To err is human, to solve it, design.
To err is human, to admit it, asinine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk."

While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.

One evening as the manager was leaving, I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.

"Oh, you'll be fine," he said with a wave of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."

Sam and Mike are walking from religious service. Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Mike replies, "Why don't you ask Father Smith?"

So Sam goes up to Father Smith and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"

But Father says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Sam goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Father told him.

Mike says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Mike goes up to Father Smith and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which Father Smith eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.

"I went to the bookstore," he explained. "And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and I decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was cleaning, I found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple of years ago!"

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting. When in the woods he came upon a bear. He started running, and he ran for a while until all of a sudden he tripped over a tree root. At this moment he was almost face to face with the bear.

He dropped to his knees and said, ''Dear Lord, if there is one wish I would want for you to give me it would be to make this bear a Christian.''

And at that instant the bear halted to a stop and dropped to his knees and said, ''Dear Lord, thank you for the food I am about to receive!''

You know you work for the government when:

The process becomes more important than the product
You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about
You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there
You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money
You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym
You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms
You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance.
(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor (2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention
You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can still drive!"

During the recent blackout in New York City, my sister's phone at her ferry company rang nonstop. Many callers asked if the service were still running.

"How?" asked one. "There's a power failure in New York."

"Don't worry," my sister replied. "Our ferry's plugged into the New Jersey side."

A farmer was milking a cow and a fly was buzzing around. He shooed it away with his hand and it flew into the cow's ear.

He kept milking and saw the fly in the milk bucket.

The farmer thought, "Hmmm, in one ear and out the udder."

Not many people know that Edison was a avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations.

During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay. On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.

As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privvy.

He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

One day I found Morris, my five-year-old son, with the telephone, which he quickly hung up when he saw me. "What were you doing?" I asked him.

"Calling Aunt Sarah."

"How could you have called Aunt Sarah ?" I asked. "You don't even know her number."

"Yes, I do and I did call her," little Morris replied.

I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince him that he didn't know her number, but he insisted he had made the call. "Okay," I said finally. "What did she say, then, if you called her?"

"She told me I had the wrong number!"

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

Dad's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind himlights flashing. Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.

Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.