Jokes

I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."

I recently saw a distraught young lady standing beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

"I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker," she explained, exasperated. "Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a convenience store a couple blocks down) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me to inspect.

I took the key and manually unlocked the door. "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?"

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying Burger King's New Meat'Normous Sandwich...

10. "How dangerous is four-digit cholesterol?"

9. "Am I comfortable using the word, 'meat'normous'?"

8. "Do I have $3.49 and a death wish?"

7. "Is that bigger than meat'gantic?"

6. "Does a massive coronary qualify as 'having it my way'?"

5. "Is this gonna spoil my breakfast dessert?"

4. "Should I ask my doctor about Lipitor?"

3. "Why do I have to sign a waiver?"

2. "Can I get it with egg whites?"

1. "Did Cheney like it?"

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."

Bumper Stickers

If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!

If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.

Drive defensively - buy a tank.

Don't make me mad - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.

I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!

Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?

On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to shoot it.

I brake for tailgaters. Hard.

If you can read this, you are in phaser range.

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.

FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).

My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.

'Get in - buckle up - pipe down - and hold on!

My nephew, who has just started the first grade, was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments.

Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," he was asked what this commandment meant.

With absolute seriousness he replied, "That means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."

"Reportedly" True Headlines

March Planned For Next August
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked Thief Gives Police The Slip
Patient At Death's Door Doctors Pull Him Through
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails Fans Protest
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Two old gambling friends meeting on the street for the first time in several weeks and one asked the other, "Joe, where you been? Haven't seen you around for weeks."

"I've been to Africa with my son. While I was there, I taught some of them to play poker."

"Zulus?"

"Nah, I beat them 4 out of five times."

A woman takes her dog to the vet and tells him that she thinks it's dead. He puts the dog on the table and turns to take a cat out of cage nearby. He places the cat by the head of the dog and the cat then proceeds to walk along the dog. The dog doesn't move.

"Your dog is definitely dead, madam. And that will be $120.", concludes the vet.

"Good gracious.", replies the woman, "how could it be so much?"

"Well, that's $20 for my consultation and $100 for the cat scan."

2 Pictures:

There are two pictures identical to each other; you have to find three differences. If you can find three differences, then you are part of an elite group of individuals. This has been tested on many people, and hardly anyone found the three differences. I could only manage to find 2.

The third must be impossible to find. Click on the link below to see the two pictures, No, this is NOT a joke.

[ http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf ]

My wife and I were playing Trivia for Dummies when she amazed me by answering correctly that there are seven rays on the crown of the Statue of Liberty.

"How in the world did you know that?" I asked.

Rolling her eyes, she answered, "Duuuhh...the seven original colonies!"

I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.

"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."

Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"

She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"

She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged.

"Sorry, Madam," came the reply, "The house does not make doctor calls!"

An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug."

The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!"

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gee! that's awful stuff you've got there."

"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

A man bought a parrot. It sat in its cage all day saying, "Cracker want a polly. Cracker want a polly."

The man's friend heard the bird and said, "That bird is really stupid!"

The owner said, "No, his name's Cracker, and he's very lonely."

Bill, Jim Scott were at a convention together were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!

My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."

A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump.

"A what?" says the confused parts guy.

"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"

"A Datsun."

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number...

Our friends, James and Florence, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings, and often head for a restaurant afterwards with their fellow choir members.

Florence soon noticed that every time she had a glass of wine, it was followed by a severe migraine headache. James agreed with her that it might be better if she abstained, and so she did.

On one post choir occasion, however, Florence decided, after some hesitation, to try a different variety of wine. Some time passed with no consequences.

Then she waved happily across the big table where her colleagues all sat and while holding up the empty wine glass announced in a loud voice, "James! I don't have a headache tonight!"

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Mike.

"Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Hudson, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind.

Dear Hudson Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Hudson Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless your for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a million pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said, "Drop dead!"

Thanks again!

Sincerely,

Edna

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea.--three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes best! For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood. Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was standing behind the customer service counter.

"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"

Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."

David got a parrot for his birthday. Unfortunately, it had a bad attitude and screamed expletives all the time. David tried hard to change the bird's behavior by constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, but nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, it just got ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. He heard the bird squawking, kicking and cursing. Then it got quiet. David worried he had hurt the bird, so he opened the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped onto David's arm and said, "I'm sorry that i offended you. I will change my behavior immediately." Astounded by the bird's sudden politeness, David was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot said," May I ask what the turkey did?"

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"For Heavens Sakes," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!"

A man walked into a bar and sat down beside a women.

Suddenly her glass eye popped out and he caught it. She thanked him and asked him if he would join her for breakfast the next day. He agreed and got her address. The next day he went to her house and had a lovely breakfast. He asked, "Do you treat all men like this?"

She smiled and said, "Just the ones who catch my eye."

TO THE VIRGINS, TO MAKE MUCH OF TIME.
by Robert Herrick

GATHER ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may go marry:
For having lost but once your prime
You may for ever tarry.

Bill received a bill from the hospital for his recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 charge for the anesthesiologist. He called his office to demand an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?" he asked when he got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

"Well," said Bill, "That's awfully costly for just knocking someone out!"

"Not at all," replied the doctor. I knock you out for free. The $900 is for bringing you back around."

A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges. One Friday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."

"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."

"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."

"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."

"Wow! Is that true?"

"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."

A minister had just finished an excellent fried chicken dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard.

"That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister commented.

"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud, one of his sons just entered the ministry."

As an airline reservation agent, I took a call from a man who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn't happy with the price of $59 per ticket. "I want the $49 fare I saw advertised," he insisted, saying he would accept a flight at any time.

I managed to find two seats on a 6 a.m. flight.

"I'll take it," he said, then worried his wife might not like the early hour. I warned there was a fee of $25 per person if he changed the reservation. "Oh, that's no problem," he said dismissively. "What's fifty bucks?"

When I was young I dreamed of being a test pilot. Flying higher, faster, farther. Risking my life for the science of aviation. But when I grew up I found out I wasn't qualified because of my poor eyesight. Now I work in a post office which gives me many of the same thrills.

I'm always pushing the envelope!

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment & screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.