Jokes

A father gave his little girl a puppy for her birthday. Just an hour later he found a puddle in the middle of the kitchen floor.

He called out loud for his daughter who came running into the kitchen. Her father asked her to explain why she wasn't watching her new dog.

She looked up and said simply, "My pup runneth over."

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96.00. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get 24.00," said the clerk.

"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96.00 and then sells it back for $24.00 should fail the course."

There's a new type of alarm clock on the market.

It makes no noise.

It uses lights and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up.

I already have one of these. It's called a window.

Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter:

"Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has come to tell you about the bees and flowers.
There is a male and a female bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which.
As for the flowers - we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc. Well, that takes care of that.

Write soon, Affectionately,
Father

A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and four children under the age of five.

"I want a divorce," she said.

"On what grounds?" he asked.

"Desertion, sir," she said.

"Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children.

"Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and then to apologize."

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is about 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being. . . well, a little strange.

While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly," everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

"Oh."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change.

"Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!"

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.

"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

Felix was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air... "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied... "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice...

"I'm a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an important radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.

Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

Once a month, down in the "trendy" area of Columbus, the art galleries open up in the evening and encourage folks to visit the showings.
My wife and I went there once. Only once. You see, we went into the very first place and spied this huge canvas with black and yellow blobs of paint all over it. The next painting, by the same artist, was a murky grey color with drips of purple paint and green splotches throughout.

My wife walked over to the artist and, in her cute southern drawl, said, "I don't understand your paintings."

The artist sniffed and said, "I paint what I feel inside me."

She shot back, "You ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

My sister brought her daughter a really nice Spinet Piano for her birthday.

A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing.

"Oh," she said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," my sister answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!".

When the honeymoon couple woke up their first morning after getting married, the husband looked at his wife and said, "Honey, go fix us a cup of coffee."

She looked at him and said, "No, I'm not the one who will fix coffee in the morning in this house. It is and will be your job to get up and fix us a cup of coffee in the mornings."

"What do you mean it is my job to fix coffee in the mornings? We are married and it is the wife's job to fix coffee in the mornings."

"No way, Jose," she replied. "It says in the Bible is the man's job to fix coffee in the mornings. and we are going to do as the Bible says."

"Now wait just a doggone minute. I know a lot about the Bible and I never read it is the man's job to fix coffee in the mornings. Now tell me where you read that."

"Look right here," she said while opening the Bible. "Right here in bold print it says He brew."

There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever.

Finally the customer behind me muttered, "Mr. Hare must be on vacation."

Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: "Mr. Turtle, sales associate."

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom, you'll be home in no time."

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.

"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

Driving our family to a new restaurant, I took several wrong turns. When I finally found the right road, I asked my husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"

"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving."

I owned a taxi service with my husband William. While sitting in his cab waiting for a fare, William saw that a downpour had left puddles stretching to the curb.

Then he heard someone open the back door and get in. When he turned around to ask the destination, William saw the would-be passenger exiting the other door.

"Thanks," said the 'passenger,' "I just wanted to get over the water."

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

While vacationing on Cape Cod, my wife and I stopped at a small way-side stand and bought some tomatoes. When I commented how small they were, the proprietor's reply was "Ay-up."

Returning a day or two later, my wife told the man the tomatoes he had sold us were tough and not very flavorful.

The old gentleman nodded, looked at us a moment, then said, "Lucky they was small, ain't it?"

John had spent a week visiting with his brother. Bill had accompanied him to the airport for his flight back home.
After verifying his seat number, George rejoined Bill and explained he'd have to wait an additional two hours.
"Why do you have to wait?"
"My plane's been grounded."
"Grounded?" Bill said puzzled. "I didn't know planes had parents."

"Instructions For Life"
Let your children see you do things for your wife that lets them know how much you love and treasure her.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

"Instructions For Life"
Play games with your teenagers their friends...make memories.

Tourists ask a lot of interesting questions as we travel among the Hawaiian Islands on my charter boat. Some people wanted to know, "Does the water go all the way aroud the island?"
Another asked, "How much farther until we're in the ocean?"
The one that made me want to jump overboard was, "Can you please take the boat closer to the sunset?"

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.
"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting."

1.. After dark, all cats are jaguars...
b.. Never 'ever' try to baptize a cat.
c.. Cats are smarter than dogs. You cannot get a cat to pull a sled.
d.. A cat knows your every thought. It doesn't care. But it knows.
e.. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I will put shoes on my cat ...
f.. Most people with cats, know they are being controlled. That's the horror of it ...
g.. Never try to out stubborn a cat.
h.. Thousands of years ago ,humans worshiped the cat. They have not forgotten this. . .
i.. Whenever I bathe my cat, it takes an hour to get the fur off of my tongue.
j.. I prefer to live with Feline Sapiens, thank you very much.
k.. Picture of a fat tabby on a couch, looking at his owner, "My species domesticated your species... "

The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?"
One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time."
Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!"
The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and showed her where it read, "Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage."

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.
"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"
Being a good sport, she accepted.
When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side:
"For Sale."

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins.
The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did.
The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father.
The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and he had just been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over six years!"

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD...
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn't help you STILL wouldn't remember!)