Jokes

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It’s Pillsbury, isn't it?”
The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.

The history class was studying the Revolutionary battle of Saratoga which was probably lost because General William Howe chose to remain in Philadelphia. The teacher then asked the class to explain this major British defeat.
"Lack of no Howe," answered a voice from the back of the classroom.

Uncle Jim was late for work when the red lights flashed behind him. Knowing he was caught, he pulled over and waited with license and registration in hand.
As the trooper wrote out the ticket, he asked Jim where he was headed.
"I'm late for an important 7:30 meeting," Jim answered.
The officer checked his watch. "If you hurry, you can still make it."

The teen-aged beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. The friend inquired as to the reason for her worrying.
The teen-aged beauty informed her friend that her mom was always fatigued from staying up all night long.
Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good at all!"
The beauty replied, "Waiting for me to come home."

Some Expert Definitions...
Rampage
Section of a book about male sheep
Seamstress
The results of 200 lbs. stuffed into a size 6 dress
Toiletry
Where you go while on a wilderness camping trip
Quarterback
What you’ll never get if you misdial from a pay phone
Yale
What southern cheerleaders do
Lite Year
365 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling
Half of a large intestine
A semi-colon
Manure
The way you say, "Mother was acquainted with the girl."

The Images of Mother:
4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom once more

After an exhausting weekend, I woke up Monday morning and sleepily packed lunch for my eight-year-old child. When I got home from work late that day, she handed me a note from her teacher, requesting that I see her.
"What's this all about?" I asked sternly.
Opening her lunch box, my daughter showed me the drink I had given her that morning. It was a can of beer.

Mrs. McDougal was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"
"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.
"How much is just one?" she asked.
"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.
"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. McDougal.

One of the joys of living in a small town was revealed to me while I vacationed in a northern Michigan village.
At the post office, I noticed a poster with a photograph of a woman smiling. Just below the picture was this message:
"Have you seen this person? If so, give her a hug. Today is her birthday."

My friend Agnes is an accomplished harpist who frequently plays for weddings, receptions, parties, and other such events. She is also blonde and has an appropriately cherubic face.
She was on her way to an engagement at the Peabody Hotel in Memphis, and she stepped into an elevator with her large golden harp. Just before the doors closed, a distinguished gray-haired man stepped on. As the elevator rose, he looked thoughtfully first at her and then her harp and asked,
"And just how far up are you going?"

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down.
Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom.
Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat.
"My wife's been annoying me for 20 years," he said with a chortle. "There's no sense in separating us now."

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.
"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,' and the other, 'my love.'
When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.'"

Naturally everyone in the service hopes for promotion.
One of our instructors said, "Before any of you ask why I’ve been teaching this same course for 12 years, many years ago, I had an argument with an Admiral and I won!"

The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license.
"This is last year's license," the warden informed him.
"I know," said the hunter, "but I shouldn't need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year."

You Don't Want To Hear
The Washington POST asked its readers to supply the beginning of a sentence that you don't want to hear the end of:
"It looks like when they built your basement, they did a kind of funny thing..."
"Sir, uh, me and your daughter..."
"Mom, I know you said I couldn't get my ears pierced, so..."
"In what experts are emphasizing is merely a long-overdue market correction..."
"We are now making our approach to National Airport, and I have locked the cabin door and lit seven candles, as commanded by my dog Buster, and..."
"First, I'd like to thank the academy..."

On my first day at the gas station, I watched a co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.
"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.
"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"
"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.
My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?"
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"

My aunt's beloved cat Ginger had grown seriously overweight, so she decided to take him to the vet to find out if there was anything wrong with him - and more to the point, whether anything could be done about it. So she put him into the kitty-carry box, and drove to the surgery.
The doc prescribed a course of pills, and my aunt left, happy in the knowledge that Ginger would soon be his slim old self again. But after a few weeks of taking the pills, there was no change: Ginger was as fat as ever. Soon months had gone by, and still there was no difference. In fact, if anything, it was getting worse.
The other problem was the invoices from the vet - these pills were costing a fortune. It soon became clear to us all that Ginger had become a doc-billed fatty-puss.

"Chow looks wonderful," I told the mess sergeant, a large intimidating man. "I'd love seconds."
"You'll get the same as everyone else," he growled as he chucked food on my tray. "Now move it!"
After finishing the edible portion of my meal, I dumped the rest into the garbage, accidentally tossing out my silverware. While leaning into the trash can to look for my knife and fork, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the mess sergeant.
"It's all right, Son," he said. "You can grab seconds."

The cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?" he asked the sales clerk.
"Forty dollars."
The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a twenty. "I'll take one spur."
"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.
The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin', the other side'll go too."

Dear Grandson,
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.
I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?
1st customer: I'll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms.
The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group.
The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

When temperatures plunged to 26 degrees below zero Fahrenheit, the Rockford, Ill., Register Star asked its readers to finish the sentence, "It was so cold that..." Here are some of the responses:
...you could freeze an egg on the sidewalk.
...I had to go up and break the smoke off my chimney.
...we opened the refrigerator to heat the house.
...when police saw a bank-robbery suspect and said, "Freeze!" he did.
...I saw a 32nd-degree Mason, and he was down to 15.
...when I called home to Arizona, the message caused the cactus to frost over.
...I let my dog out, and I had to break him loose from the tree.

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
'Do you realize what time it is," she said. He answered,
"Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job.
"My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."

As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope. One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up.
After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card. It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind.
The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card.
"Pardon me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's middle name?"

After my friend and her family returned from San Francisco, her daughter realized she had forgotten to pack her Bart Simpson doll. My friend called the hotel. A few days later, the doll arrived in the mail. With it was a note:
"For the little girl who left her Bart in San Francisco."

A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes. "I'll have a Jumbo Jet," he said. When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway.
He called his waiter over and asked, "Was that the Jumbo Jet?"
"Yeah," the waiter answered. "Went pretty fast, didn't it?"

PARENTAL OBSERVATIONS
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Never kick a cow pie on a hot day.
When you've raised your children, stop raising them.
Need rain? Wash and wax the car.
If someone offers a breath mint, take it.
Never fry bacon in the nude.

The New York-New Jersey Trail Conference was preparing to move from its longtime home in New York City to Mahwah, N.J. The day before the big move, the following sign appeared on the door:
"Here today, gone to Mahwah."

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother Dustin was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."
Dustin smiled and said, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

During a hike with my friend, I noticed a black bird roosting in a nearby tree. "I've always wondered what's the difference between a raven and a crow," I said.
"You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings," my companion explained. "If there are four, it's a crow. If there are five, it's a raven."
"Really?" I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue about which he spoke.
"Oh, yes," he replied. "It's just a matter of a pinion."

Bart and Art have been a twosome on the links every day since they've been retired. One day, as they're putting on their golf shoes in the clubhouse, they get into a conversation about heaven and whether there are any golf courses there. They make a pact. The first one to die will come back and tell the other one. Bart dies first, and sure enough, comes back to visit Art.
Art says, "Well are there any golf courses in heaven?"
"I have good news and I have bad news," says Bart.
"We have the ultimate golf course in the sky and tournament which starts tomorrow."
"So what's the bad news?"
"You're my partner!"