Jokes

Arriving back in Manhattan after a summer in Vermont takes some getting used to.
I was walking from Park Avenue to Madison the first hour of my return when I noticed a woman walking cautiously and apparently painfully. The woman was wearing thongs, her black patent pumps held high in one hand and her other hand outstretched for balance.
"You poor thing, your feet must really hurt," I said as she was about to pass me.
The woman was indignant.
"Wet toenails," she said tersely.

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" they asked.
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said, "It's a Buick."
"OK lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?" we asked.
She said, "I don't know but it's always been there."
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it and they just fall down behind the counter laughing.

A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."
Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with."
The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you your-self wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."
"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."

As a trail guide in a national park, I ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When we were finished with our meals, we scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked our plates for the dishwasher.
One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of me in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, I heard him mutter, "Now STAY there this time."

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read:
"I am perfectly well."
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect ...on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

A young man drove his minibike in to a gas station and dismounted. "I'll need about a pint of gas," he said to the attendant, "and a few ounces of oil for the motor."
"Certainly sir," the attendant said, "And would you also like me to cough into your tires?"

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.
So, last week, this flier came around:
LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager's permission before attending)
Looks like that question's been answered ...

Nearing the parish church during his daily walk, a young man saw that a shrubbery was on fire. He banged on the rectory door and told the woman who opened it she'd better call the fire department.
She ran to the phone to place the call. She identified her-self, gave the location, and explained the situation.
"You mean to tell me," said the emergency dispatcher, "that there's a burning bush on the church lawn, and you want us to put it out?!?"

"How's your mother," a friend asked.
"Not good," I answered. "She's got chronic frontal sinusitis."
"My goodness," the friend said. "Where did she get that?"
"Reader's Digest. Last month's issue."

Congratulations were showered on Kaplan. His number 49 had won the top prize in the lottery.
"Say Kaplan," asked Goldstein, "how did you happen to pick number 49?"
"I saw it in a dream. Six sevens appeared and danced before my eyes. Six times seven is 49, and that's all there was to it."
"But six times seven is 42 not 49."
"Hah? Kaplan says. . ." All right professer, I von da lottery...so you be the mathematician!"

The Little League coach called the young boy over telling him, "I want you in at 3rd base. If a ball goes over your head catch it. If a ball goes under you legs catch it. If a ball goes to your right or left, catch it."
After a few minutes of play, balls were going over the youngsters head, under his legs, and to his right and left without him fielding any of them.
"Time" the coach cried while motioning for the 3rd baseman to come in. "Now watch me. I'm going in to show you how it is done." In a few minutes balls were going over the coach's head, under his legs, and all around him without him fielding any of them.
"Time" the coach cried while walking toward the bench and motioning for the 3rd baseman. "Boy, you're off the team. You've got that 3rd base so messed up, no one can play it."

Why a Kitten is better than a Baby…
Veterinarians have evening hours.
Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie with its crying. Heck, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.
Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.
Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath in a month.
You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you're going to finance your kitten's college education.
No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.
You only have to change the litter box once a day.

The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that wanted to know:
Single__, Married__, Divorced__.
I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was filling out the same form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks.
Instead he'd written, "Yes, in that order."

Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods.
Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"

An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor."
The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?"
So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, "You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You're no actor."

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude. . . ?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Just before our first long deployment, two Navy buddies and I were talking about the stress of leaving our families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard our conversation and offered the following advice:
"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"

The first time I met my wife, she was an intense aerobics instructor at my health club, and I was an out-of-shape new member. After a grueling workout, I gasped, "This is really getting me toned up."
She looked me up and down. Feeling self-conscious, I added, "Big men run in my family."
Raising an eyebrow, she said, "Apparently, not enough."

I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night".
As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"
I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.
He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.
Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes," she quickly replied. "Tell him...Mother didn't come after all."

One of my fourth-graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Glass?"
"You should never ask an adult's age!" I broke in.
"It's okay," Harriet smiled. "I'm fifty."
"Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said.
I was just about to breathe a sigh of relief when another student added, "Parts of her do."

Woman to husband at breakfast table:
"It sure is easier to get Junior up for school since he got his nose ring."
Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but you can't start a camp fire with a whole BOOK of matches?

In the early 90's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work. So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary,
"Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle."

I had just come out of a store when the blast of a car horn scared me. When I turned to yell at the rude driver, I saw a large white poodle sitting in the driver's seat of a parked car.
When the impatient dog honked again, a man came scurrying out of a shop, shouting, I'll be there in a minute!"
"Did you teach your dog to do that?" I asked him.
"Yes," he said, "and now he won't let me go anywhere!"

Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.
Several minutes passed... and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."

One-Liners
Money doesn't bring you happiness,
but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with,
but they make great ancestors.
The trouble with bucket seats is that
not everybody has the same size bucket.
When you see the handwriting on the wall,
you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
The world is full of willing people:
some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Money isn't everything....
there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

At my sister's rehearsal dinner, many people offered toasts to the bridal couple, whose last name is Quarles; but their favorite toast was our mother's:
"Best wishes to the bride and groom, and may all their Quarles' be little ones."

On the way home from my job at the pet boarding kennel, I stopped at the grocery store. I was in line at the checkout counter with a full cart when I noticed a man on a longer line buying only two items. Without thinking, I did what I always do when calling to another of God's creatures:
I whistled at him and commanded, "Come!"
As the man got in line in front of me, he grumbled, "Lucky for you my tail's wagging."

One fine day, Jim and Bill are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bill, come here; I've got some trouble down here."
Bill comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim? Everything OK?"
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can't get out of here with a 7."

There is a town in Oregon named Boring, a family name.
Among the signs:
Boring Grade School,
Boring Fire Department,
and Boring Market.
The state slogan was once "Relax in a State of Excitement."

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there no convictions.
"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how were you able to stay out of trouble for those five years?"
"I was in prison," he answered. "You should know thatyou were the one who sent me there."
"That's not possible," I said. "I wasn't even a judge then."
"No, you weren't the judge," he countered, smiling mischievously.
"You were my lawyer!"

Check out:
Jerry Seinfeld and Superman
On the weekend of the biggest motorcycle gathering of the year, I was bar tending at a club nearby. When the roaring machines pulled up outside, our patrons' eyes swung toward the door and conversation turned into uneasy whispering.
A group of tough looking bikers walked up to the bar, and one of them asked me where the phone was. I pointed it out, and the silence in the room let everybody overhear what the biker said into the receiver. "Hi, Mom, I just want to let you know I'll be home late tonight."

A couple of years ago, our son Scott and his family relocated to Eielson Air Force Base near Fairbanks, Alaska. In awe of the state's wildlife and natural beauty, they looked forward to their four-year tour.
That December we received an e-mail from our 11-year-old granddaughter that stated HER opinion pretty clearly. It read:
"Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
It is 24 degrees here today. We have three years and eight months left.
I love and miss you.
Leah"

One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.
The driver looks at the trooper and says,
"No thanks, I just bought some."